Lower Still

We had a really spectacular sermon at church last Sunday. Ray preached on how Christmas is about the humility of God; how low he came to make himself like us, to be among us, to save us. And yet being born to young Mary in the dusty dark of a Bethlehem barn was just the beginning of Christ's humility. He would come lower still. As low as you've ever been, Christ went lower in order in love you into the arms of God. Ray read the lyrics of a song by the band My Epic. They moved me so much, I just had to share them here.

***

"Lower Still"

Look, he's covered in dirt
the blood of his mother has mixed with the Earth
and she's just a child who's throbbing in pain
from the terror of birth by the light of a cave

Now they've laid that small baby
where creatures come eat
like a meal for the swine, who have no clue that he
is still holding together the world that they see
they don't know just how low he has to go
Lower still

Look now he's kneeling, he's washin' their feet
though they're all filthy fishermen, traitors, and theives
now he's pouring his heart out and they're fallin' asleep
but he has to go lower still

there is greater love to show
hands to the plow
further down now
blood must flow

all these steps are personal
all his shame is ransom
oh do you see, do you see just how low, he has come
do you see it now?
no one takes from him
what he freely gives away

beat in his face
tear the skin off his back
Lower still, lower still
strip off his clothes
make him crawl through the streets
Lower still, lower still
hang him like meat
on a criminal's tree
Lower still, lower still
bury his corpse in the Earth
like a seed, like a seed, like a seed
Lower still, lower still

Lower still, lower still...

The Earth explodes
she cannot hold him!
And all therein is placed beneath Him
and death itself no longer reigns
it cannot keep the ones he gave himself to save
and as the universe shatters the darkness disolves
he alone will be honored
we will bathe in his splendor
as all heads bow lower still
all heads bow lower still

Six Months!

Oh, my Sweet Baby James! Has it really been half a year with you? You have filled up our hearts and our lives with so much! You've been a busy little boy lately. Let's take a look back at your fun-filled sixth month of life.

You met your Great-Grandpa Hal and wore matching overalls.

You met Great-Grandma Anita and had lots of fun playing on the table!

Perhaps our biggest achievement of the month - you learned to sleep unswaddled!

You can now get up on your hands and knees and rock back and forth, and you can also get on your hands and your feet. It's so cute!

You've started eating food! So far you've had peaches, pears, bananas, sweet potatoes, carrots, and most recently, mangoes.

You rode in first class on an airplane. Here you are reading the pretentious first class magazine.

You're so strong and determined. You like to play and rough-house and run around in your walker. You have the dearest crinkle-nosed smile and the most serious, studious frown. Your ears are ticklish. Your hair is growing in pale blonde. You love to go and explore and move. You have made our family so happy. Daddy and I love you so much and look forward to every coming day with you.

Love,

Momma

Cradle Hymn

I was reading to Hudson from his "Lullaby Baby" book and couldn't get through this one without getting all choked up. I just want to pray the last stanza for him every day!

Hush, my dear, lie still and slumber,

Holy angels guard thy bed.

Heavenly blessings without number,

Gently falling on thy head.

How much better thou'rt attended,

Than the Son of God could be,

When from heaven He descended,

And became a child like thee.

Soft and easy is they cradle,

Coarse and hard thy Savior lay,

When His birthplace was a stable,

And His softest bed was hay.

May'st thou learn to know and fear Him,

Love and serve Him all thy days;

Then to dwell forever near Him,

Tell His love and sing His praise.

WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS!!!!

Man, it has been a beautiful October to be a St. Louis Cardinals' fan! It has been the most amazing ride, and if you haven't been following the story, here it is in a nutshell: every time we weren't supposed to win, we did. One game after the other, one series at a time, we just kept right on beating teams that were supposed to be beating us.

Then there was Game 6 of the World Series, two nights ago, which was THE most exciting baseball game I have ever seen - maybe the most exciting sporting event I've ever seen, period. And finally, last night, a Game 7 winner-takes-all showdown in St. Louis. Before the game, all the sportscasters picked the Rangers to win.

But it was the boys in red who were celebrating mid-field in the end, with Cardinal Nation roaring its ecstatic approval from the stands, the streets, and from our little couch here in Nashville.

And the unlikely hero of the Cardinals post-season was David Freese, who just so happened to be my high school classmate. It was so exciting to see him have such a huge part in the team victory and be handed the World Series MVP trophy at the end. I'm pretty sure he just became St. Louis's most eligible bachelor.

Such a wonderful few weeks following the sport I love the most. Thank you, Cardinals, for playing every game like it was your last, until you were standing alone on top of the world.

Five Months!

Hello my Sweet Baby James!

I can hardly believe it, but you are FIVE months old! Wow! Here are five things that describe you right now:

1. ACTIVE - You like to go, go, go! We try to get out a lot because you get bored just hanging around the house for too long. Your favorite activity is to wheel around the kitchen in your walker. When we first put you in it, you would sort of just hop/lunge to push yourself forward, but now you put one little foot right in front of the other. It is so cute and it really keeps you busy! You also just love to be outside and thankfully we have had lots of beautiful fall weather to enjoy. I'm kind of dreading the cold dreary winter that I know is around the corner... we are going to have to find new ways to fight the cabin fever!

2. AWARE - You notice everything around you, and you want to touch/chew/reach for/grab whatever you see. I love to watch you watch your world! You see and reach for specific items that you want. Practically, this is great - you can now totally get your own pacifier back in your mouth whenever you want! If I'm holding you or nursing you, you like to look up and smile at me. And you love to look at me and Daddy and then reach your little hands out and touch our face. You are not exactly gentle about it, hence we have lots of little scratch marks, but it is so cute we can look past the nails.

3. AWAKE - Sleeping... yeah, you're not so great at sleeping. You mostly take short naps, and you still wake up every three hours all night long. This is exhausting, I won't deny, but we'll get there. I'm not in a rush to rock your boat with any severe sleep training, because you're just doing so great with all other areas of development and temperament. So right now we are just working on you going to sleep without having to be held or rocked. You're getting pretty good at it; we just lay you down and then lay next to you and most times you will eventually go quietly to sleep. The next thing we want to work on is weaning you from your swaddle, but one thing at a time!

4. AMIABLE - This is just a fancy word for friendly and good-natured, but I wanted to stick with my 'A' theme. It's funny, but ever since I wrote that blog about you not being a happy boy, you have set out to prove me wrong! Sure, I wouldn't call you particularly flexible or easy-going, and believe me, you can still cry (and now scream) when things aren't going your way. But overall, we have so many smiles and laughs to fill our day! I love your laugh so much; you sound like you swallowed a squeaky toy. Unless you are overly tired or upset, you don't mind when strangers hold you. You enjoy playing with other people - we've even left you in the church nursery two times!

5. ADORABLE - This is somewhat subjective, I realize, but c'mon. You know you're pretty stinkin' cute. Everyone - and I mean everyone - who meets you always comments on your bright blue eyes. Those big peepers plus your sweet rosy cheeks are a lethal combination! We are obsessed with taking your picture, and you already seem to be a pro at posing for the camera. Here are a few of my favorite shots from your fifth month of life:

You & Daddy after our trip to the pumpkin patch

At the Battle of Franklin Civil War Reenactment

You & Me at the Immanuel Church picnic

Dressed in your game day gear to cheer on the Cardinals in the World Series

I love you so much, my sweet little Huddy! God has blessed us richly by adding you to our family.

Love,

Momma

Holding Huddy

If you haven't picked up on it from my previous posts, Hudson is high-maintenance. He has like zero self-soothing skills, and so going to sleep is difficult for him. He has to be tightly swaddled and then he usually has to be held until he falls asleep before we put him down. Sometimes you have to sway or rock him and pat his little bottom. And of course, he needs his white noise.

Sometimes this is annoying. I find myself clock-watching, wondering how many minutes more I'll have to hold him before he'll be sound enough asleep to move to his swing. I think about how much easier it would be if I could just pop him in his crib when he started getting sleepy and then go about my business while he drifted off to sleep on his own. My arm gets sweaty from his hot little head and my back gets sore from leaning over him.

But then I am looking down at his sweet little face, and feeling how much he needs me, how he calms and rests in my arms, and how is it possible it is that he's already so long that his feet are falling off my lap?

Soon he won't need me to rock him to sleep. And I'm going to blink and it will be his first day of kindergarten. And then I'll blink again and he'll be graduating high school. Blink. His wedding day. Blink. I'm a grandmother. Blink. I'm an old lady at the end of my life, and I'm willing to bet I won't be thinking, "I wish I'd held my baby less."

We do want Hudson to have good sleeping habits. And in the next few months we'll be working on helping him learn those things, gently and lovingly.

But for now, I just want to cherish holding Huddy.

4 Months Old!

Sweet Baby James,

Hello my little love! You are napping right now, and while I should probably be taking advantage of that and sleeping myself, I just decided to write you a little note.

Here you are getting your bath in the kitchen sink. Look how big you are! You just love having your bath, although you do NOT like the water to get in your face. You sputter and make a big show of being very put out if that happens.

I feel like you have changed so much in the past couple weeks. You've definitely grown - at the doctor yesterday you were 25 inches long and weighed 14 pounds, 5 ounces. Just another pound and you'll have doubled your birth weight. You always want to sit up or stand, and you love jumping! We got out your bouncing gym thing and your walker - that's right, a walker. You like to push yourself around the kitchen in it, but you don't have any control over your direction, so you just go from one end to the other, then we turn you around and off you go again. When we were in St. Louis last week, we got out the highchair that I used to sit in as a little girl, and we padded you in with pillows and towels. You really enjoyed sitting there and banging your toys on the tray!

Everyone always comments on your big bright blue eyes. You use them to look around and notice everything! You follow Scruffy as he walks across the room, and you notice all the activity around you. It is so fun to watch you interact with your little world.

Daddy and I love you so much, Huddy, and everyone who meets you thinks you are pretty great too. We can't imagine our lives without your sweet toothless grin and your rosy kissable cheeks and your feisty, go-go-go personality. We're so thankful to God for giving us you.

Love Always,

Momma

Emmy Fashion!

Hey there fashionistas! Well, I didn't get to watch all of the Emmys this year because I had to go to bed at 9pm. Because my kid gets up at 5am. And our TiVo is no more so I couldn't even record it and watch it later. And we only get the basic channels so I didn't get to see any of the red carpet coverage. But this post is a tradition, dang it, and so thanks to the internet, I can see pictures of all the celebrities I missed, copy those pictures here, and make comments about them. Read on!

(PS. These are in no particular order, except for the annoyingly weird order in which Blogger uploads photos.)

Sofia Vergara. I often think she looks tacky or overdone, so I liked this dress, even though it isn't exactly reinventing the wheel. I don't know if it looked this way on TV, but in the pictures it is a nice pinky-red, which was at least a little derivation from the many other red gowns on the carpet. Such as...

Nina Dobrev. Got to admit, she looks fierce. That word is probably played out by now, but it still works here. The shape of the top is a little funny, and she probably couldn't breathe or move, but it was worth it for this head-turning look.

So one of the parts of the telecast I did get to see was one of the best moments of the night, when all the comedy actress nominees had a mini-pageant as their names were announced. Melissa McCarthy won, and it was totally sweet and awesome. But before that, I was like, "Woah Martha Plimpton looks ah-MAY-zing!" It was probably hard to make it in Hollywood with a name like Martha Plimpton, and kudos to her for not changing it to, say, "Megan St. Plum" or something like that. This dress is so beautiful and one of the few from the night that I would dream of wearing.

Maria Bello's hair looks TERRIBLE but I really love this dress. It seems very chic and California-breezy. I feel like she could use a bangle or a cuff or something. And a shampoo. And a blowout.

Ugggghhhh fine. That sums up how I feel both about Lea Michele and her dress.

Kristen Wiig, like Maria Bello, appears to have forgotten to wash up and run a comb through her hair. Still, I like her dress too. She favors these super-deep v-neck gowns, but she can get away with it because she's more, err, petite in the bust. I like the details of the ombre and I think with a smooth low ponytail it would've been a nice overall look.

In all the pictures I found, Katie Holmes does not look as cute as I thought she did when I saw her on television. The dress appeared chic and minimal, her hair was fun and flirty, her makeup looked great, and she didn't have creepy Tom Cruise attached to her hip. The pictures make the dress look more frumpy and shapeless and weird. So, who knows. I liked it.

Kate Winslet, you're a good looking lady and this is a sexy dress. But you are not Nina Dobrev and you are not 22 and that dress is waaaaay too tight. Just... don't you like breathing? And also sometimes I miss your red hair.

Jurnee Smollett, I am sorry your parents couldn't spell "Journey" correctly, and that they thought Journey/Jurnee was an appropriate name for a baby at all. I know you are on a new show now, but you will always be Jess Merriweather from Dillon, Texas to me. I think you look very pretty in this simple but elegant dress in a really splendid color. My only qualm is that... well you know, lift and separate? I feel like you're really... separated. It's something that I think happens a lot in deep v-neck gowns - not separated enough and the girls are hanging out there for all to see, too separated and it seems like you have a sternum-filled chasm between one and the other.

I feel like Julie Bowen here is suffering the same fate. It doesn't look it so much in this photo, but on TV I felt like her chest looked super weird. Other than that, I think this dress is good for her. Not my particular style, but it is certainly different from the standard red-carpet fare. It's kind of a sassy cousin to Maria Bello's up there, with the metallic detailing. I don't love the blunt-ended ponytail but it works with this I suppose.

When I saw Julianna Margulies appear on my TV I recoiled. This dress is super weird and borderline ugly. The severely sculpted bodice with the wack-a-doo giant glass slug beads on it? I don't even know. It was an eyesore. She looks pretty from the neck up.
I think Julia Stiles looks gorgeous! The bottom where all the lace is bunched up looks a little old-lady-curtain-esque, but I love the bodice, the detailing, and her pretty hair and makeup. Best she's looked in a while.

Has Jane Krakowski always looked this broad-shouldered? I don't think this is her silhouette. Also, she looks very tan in this photo but she looked downright Oompa-Loompa on my television.

Okay, here's the thing about this. I'm pretty sure one of my Barbies had this exact outfit. And Gwyneth looks quite Barbie-esque in it. And I don't really have a problem with that. But the weird unfinished tulle hems at her waist are casting a shadow that makes it look like a little muffin top. And I am 100% certain that Gwyneth Paltrow does NOT have a muffin top. But even someone with her abs probably wants to steer clear of the illusion of a muffin top, right?

I don't think I can ever look at Evan Rachel Wood and NOT see her as Marilyn Manson's former whatever. Shudder. However, being as objective as I possibly can, I will say this is a really well-put-together, classy look. We all know I love the sparkles. But I also think this is an elegant shape that manages to be both retro and modern.

Elisabeth Moss, I don't know WHAT is going on with your hair, but I think you look very pretty in this dress, even if it is the same color as your skin. The delicate illusion of the leaves falling from the straps is lovely. But the hair. The HAIR.
I think the only thing working for Diana Agron here is the color. The hair is stiff and aging, the dress is unflattering and wrinkled. She's 25, and this makes her look at least 10 years older than that.

T-TAMI! I love you so, so much. You acted the snot out of one of my favorite TV characters EVER and I'm sad for you that you didn't get an Emmy last night. But you look lovely in red. This is a great dress on you. I think the big hair plus the big skirt is a bit much, and I would've gone with a pulled back do, but other than that, yay!

Christine Baranski is working this look, y'all. It's like a really fancy button down shirt, and that is super fun. I think it's navy, too, which just makes it a little more punchy than it would be in standard black.

Why can't someone help Christina Hendricks find a flattering red carpet gown? WHY?! It is seriously insane that someone so beautiful can't get a gown that works on her. This isn't the worst she's done, but it's not what it could be. The high front slit is not doing her any favors. The bustline is better than usual, but the other details aren't working. Boo.

Minka Kelly (on the left) is frequently found on assorted "Most Beautiful" and "Sexiest Woman" lists, so I'm not really sure why she borrowed a dress from Meryl Streep. Not that I'm hoping she'll skank it up or anything, but this seems really way too mature and somber for her. I don't know who the middle two girls are, but Purple Dress looks hot and White Dress looks moth-eaten and Drew Barrymore looks insane.

Anna Torv is many things - a great actress on Fringe, a very beautiful woman, an Australian. But she is not, to my knowledge, a flamenco dancer. So I'm not really sure why she is styled as one.

That's all for this year, folks! Thanks for tuning in - feel free to share your best and worst and other thoughts in the comments!

Don't Play That Game

There's a game I've been playing with myself since Hudson was born.

It's called, "Maybe He'll Be Happy When."

First I thought, "Maybe he'll be happy when we finally get the hang of this breastfeeding thing."

Then, "Maybe he'll be happy when we get his reflux under control."

And, "Maybe he'll be happy when he hits 12 weeks."

Or, "Maybe he'll be happy when I get better at figuring out what he wants."

There's always, "Maybe he'll be happy when he gets out of this growth spurt."

Now that most of those milestones have come and gone, I've recently switched to "Maybe he'll be happy when he can move around more independently," or "Maybe he'll be happy when he can start eating solids."

Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe then.

And I try not to think about it, but it crawls in when things are falling apart and I'm holding a sobbing, red-faced, angry-sad baby at 3:37 am...

Maybe... maybe he'll never be happy.

Oh sure, he has happy moments. Happy hours, and sometimes even whole mostly-happy days. If you catch him then, he's got a gummy grin that keeps going and going, creating this little dimple right by his nose. And if you work really hard for it with some tickling and well-placed raspberries on the tummy, he's got a laugh that sounds like a squeaker toy.

But in general, "happy" is not an adjective I'd use to describe my little guy. He is many things, for better and for worse, but right now "happy" is not one of them. And maybe it never will be.

But maybe instead of playing the "maybe" game, I need to stop.

Stop comparing him to other babies.

Stop wishing he would be different.

Stop feeling jealous of friends for whom motherhood appears to be a glowing, glorious, easy experience.

Stop asking God to change Hudson and make him happy.

Instead, I must start asking God to change me. To make me more like Jesus, who loves me just as I am, so I can love Hudson, just as he is.

My baby is just that - a baby. Helpless and weak, despite how big and strong he sometimes seems to me. Dependent on me for everything. Looking to me for love and affection and encouragement and guidance, so he can grow and mature.

I am a woman. Now a mother. I am the one who must change - or rather, be changed. I am the one who can pray for us, for grace and strength in our hour of need. I am the one who must learn to sacrifice so I can serve my son. I am the one who needs to repent and set aside the "maybe" thoughts to which I unfairly hold my boy.

Oh God, that you would come near to us, to me and Huddy. Forgive me for being hard-hearted, and angry, and jealous, and self-pitying, and forgive me on his behalf, since he's too small to understand. Please help me to be more like Jesus. Please help me to love my baby just as he is. Please give me more and more grace, until at last it overflows in love and kindness and patience toward my son. Protect and guard him as he grows. I pray for the day of his salvation, that Hudson would be a man after your own heart. I pray that through our struggles, you would be glorified. I am so thankful and humbled that you have made me a mother. I am so thankful for Hudson. I repent of having an ungrateful heart. I repent of being unloving. I ask for more of you, and less of me.

Ashley in Africa

My little sister has just arrived in South Africa! She will be there for two months working for... you know what, it will be better if she tells you herself. She has a blog that she set up so we can keep up with her while she's gone. Check it out! I'm so proud of her and can't wait to hear more about her adventures. Read her blog HERE.

This Week in Hudson

Hudson is 12 weeks today, and he is growing and changing by the minute. Unofficially weighed on my parents' bathroom scale, he's about 12.8 pounds. I feel like every day he is learning something new! Just this past week, he discovered his tongue and sticks it out. He still loves gnawing and sucking on his hands. When he lays on his back, he pulls his knees up and sticks his feet in the air, and a couple times, briefly, he has grabbed his feet. He thinks it is very funny when you stick his feet in his mouth!

He also rolled over from back to front (with just a teeny bit of help) and has done this a few times, although once he gets there he is stuck on his arm and hasn't figured out how to move it out from under himself. This makes him mad! Then, just yesterday, he rolled from his tummy to his back! But after he did it once, he couldn't seem to figure out how to do it again.

He really enjoys looking at items now, and seems more content than before to sit and look at a book while I read it to him. He really likes Jamberry, which is cute because it was one of my sister's favorites, too. He likes to look at the toys dangling from his playmat, and is still interested in lights and ceiling fans.

He still loves water, and just loves being in the shower with someone. The water spraying doesn't seem to scare him at all. He also likes to look at himself in the mirror more now, especially if you stand him on the counter and just let him dance and bounce in front of himself!

This past week we have been in St. Louis visiting our families and the weather has been beautiful. This led us to a new discovery... Hudson LOVES to be outside! All summer it has been so hot that we only go out for a few minutes here and there, but now we have been able to just relax on the deck and rock in the chairs. We also took a trip to the zoo, which is one of our very favorite places in town. He slept through most of it but enjoyed being pushed in his stroller in the sunshine.

This past week was also the first time he started napping for short periods without being swaddled. Mostly this is while being held still, but one time he did nap unswaddled after we laid him down. This was a pretty big deal because he has been addicted to the swaddle from birth! It will be interesting to see how/when he actually outgrows the need for it. He still loves the white noise, and if he is very upset, it is one of the only ways to really get him to calm down. He needs it loud - louder than his wailing!

Despite our efforts to keep him awake longer, Hudson has decided that his bedtime is about 6:00pm. This means, of course, that his wake-up time is about 5:00am! This has been very difficult on Ben and me, since we are night-owls and decidedly NOT morning people. It is hard to discipline ourselves to go to bed before 10:00pm, but if we don't, the mornings are even harder.

Temperament-wise, some days are much better than others. I tried to reintroduce dairy into my diet, and it seemed to be okay in baked goods, but once we got to cheese and icecream, the extreme fussiness returned. Maybe we will try again in a month or so.

I read an article that a friend linked to on Facebook, and I wanted to post it here as well. It was very convicting to me. I have shared how difficult our start with Hudson has been, and I confess I have often found myself bitterly envying friends with seemingly happy, easy babies. I have wished in my heart that Hudson was more like them, or worse, that these people would have some parental difficulties of their own so I didn't feel so alone. That's so wrong, I'm embarrassed to admit it. Hudson is who he is because God determined that he would be so. To covet the attributes of another's child is to deny God's sovereignty in creating Hudson and in making me his mother. Besides that, my worth in Christ is not related to what kind of baby Hudson is, nor my successes or failures as a mother. Anyway, I hope this short article is as helpful to others as it was to me. It will be important for me to remember throughout Hudson's life:

I Wish I Had a Child Like You

Two Months Old!

Sweet Huddy Bean,

Two months! Woah! Time flies when you're having fun. And we have been having more fun this month, I think. Little by little we are starting to figure each other out. We still have rough days, and rough parts of each day, but the good times are becoming bigger and better. I'm not sure which of the assorted things we're trying is helping most - no dairy for me, reflux medicine for you - or if you are just getting bigger and I am just getting better at reading your needs. Whatever it is, I feel more confident every day that we can make it and that you will keep growing happier.

The most wonderful thing that has developed in your second month? The thing that makes me just more crazy madly in love with you every time it happens? This:

Those smiles, which are slowly developing into giggles, are THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. (You'll allow me a little motherly hyperbole, won't you dear one?) God certainly knew that new mommas would need this sweet affirmation, and I'm so grateful!

Other news about you:

You are so strong! You love to stand and hold up your own head. We occasionally do "tummy time" and you are quite good at it, although you don't particularly enjoy it. When you are laying on your back, you've started pulling your legs up in the air. That plus your exploring hands, and I have a feeling it won't be long until you discover your feet!

You love water! This makes me so happy because I was a water baby too. You like bath time and you really like to be in the shower with me or Daddy. You do NOT like the part where you have to get out and dry off. I don't like that part either - who wouldn't want to stay in the warm water? We also took you swimming at your friend Matilda's birthday party and you liked it a lot. I dunked you under the water twice. You weren't too sure about that, but you were back to happy pretty quickly. I held you out in front of me with your tummy down in the water and you kicked your little legs... perhaps we have a swimmer on our hands?

Sometimes you really fight going to sleep. You like to be held and bounced on the exercise ball. Rocking or walking does not cut it - you MUST be bounced! You also like to sleep in the car seat still, which is great for when I need a little time out of the house. At night you sleep pretty good. You still wake up a few times to eat, but I'm okay with that. Nighttime feedings are when you are most snuggly, so I take advantage of that when I can! We usually put you to bed in your swing, but inevitably move you to sleep in the bed with us. I never thought I would do that, but it is easier for nursing and I just love having you curled up in my arms with your fuzzy little head in perfect kissing distance. Although I will say, after a few hours in one position, my arm is usually completely dead and whatever hip I'm laying on is burning. Still, worth it in the end!

You like:

-staring at Daddy

-being carried up at my shoulder so you can look out at the world

-when I make a "thbppptttt" sound and poke you in the nose (you smile like this is so funny!)

-having your diaper changed

-sitting in your buzzy seat

-taking your medicine

-your pacifier

-lights and ceiling fans

-when I sing to you and dance silly

You don't like:

-being cradled like a baby

-when we take too long to do what you want

-having gas

-eating for longer than 5-10 minutes at a time

-having your boogers suctioned out

-being hot

-sitting still for a story

Your stats:

-Weight: 11 pounds, 11 ounces (50th percentile)

-Height: 23 inches (50th percentile)

-Hair: Still dark blond-ish

-Eyes: Still blue

I am so thankful for you, my sweet boy. I can't believe God saw me fit to be your momma, but I am going to do the best I can by His grace!

Love,

Momma

To Make You Feel My Love

This song is on Hudson's sleepy playlist. It's a Bob Dylan song. I'm partial to Garth Brooks' version, but the one on the iPod is Adele. I have always loved this song, and I like thinking of it as words from God to us, although I'm not sure that's what Bob had in mind at the time.

But when I sing it to Hudson, I can't help but get choked up thinking about it as a love song from me to him. Of course, it doesn't all apply; I won't always make him happy and I can't make his dreams come true, though I can encourage him and offer guidance and prayers. But the rest of it is pretty much right on the money. I would hold him for a million years. Although I suppose when he's a teenager he might be over that... I'll just have to sneak in to his room at night and hold him while he sleeps. (Ten points to you if you know that's a reference to "Love You Forever," the children's book every mother of a son MUST own.)

So here you go, baby boy. I hope you feel my love for you every day of your precious life.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin’ sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

Huddy Bean Updates

Last Friday Hudson weighed in at almost 10 lbs 5 oz. Chubbs! He also seems a lot longer, but that is hard for us to accurately measure. He doesn't fit in any newborn clothes or diapers anymore, and although some of the 0-3 month stuff is still a little big, most of it is starting to fit pretty darn good! We have lots of cute clothes for him but it is so hot that we mostly just run him around in his diaper.

He is not particularly content to cuddle with me, unless he is really really sleepy. If he is awake and not fussy, he likes to stand (!) on my lap and really exercise his very strong legs. He also likes to lay in his bouncy vibrating chair and just look all around at the world. Sometimes when he is super fussy the only thing that gets him calm is laying him down to change his diaper. Then he just opens his big eyes and is quiet. He is also starting to make noises on his own, apart from crying and fussing. These are just different little coos and "ah" sounds.

And, best of all, he has started really smiling at us. Yesterday we were having a terrible afternoon, just crying and fussing for a couple hours. I finally strapped him into his bouncy seat so I could take three minutes and calm myself down. When I came back in, he had quieted down and just looked up at me with the biggest grin yet. It was followed by another two hours of crying, but I think I'll remember that smile forever.

He likes to sleep in his lamb swing or while being snuggled in our bed. At night he sleeps quite well, usually for a four or (on the rare occasion) five hour stretch, and then for a couple more two or three hour stretches. During the day he mostly catnaps for 30 or 45 minute stretches. Gone are those guaranteed long daytime naps from the first couple weeks, although the past two days we've had a good two hour nap together in the afternoon. He will sleep longer if he has fallen asleep in the car and then stays in his car seat, which is handy for taking him on errands or to lunch with Ben!

He's growing so fast and every day I feel like he looks bigger and less newborn-y. He is getting quite the little personality. I think he's going to be very independent and impatient! For instance, he doesn't usually "warm up" when it comes to fussing or crying. One minute we're happy as a clam, and in the blink of an eye we are mad and ready to tell the world about it! But we love him and we are learning more about him day by day.

God is so good and has surrounded us with the love and encouragement of friends and family, near and far. Hudson will always know how much he is loved!

One Month With You

My Sweet Huddy Bean,

Can you believe it has already been a month since you were born? It hardly seems possible that in such a short time you have changed so much, right before my eyes.

It's been rough at times, hasn't it? Like those hours spent holding your stiffened little body while you screamed in discomfort, your cry growing more frantic the more I tried to console you. I don't think that scene was ever in the idealized vision of motherhood that I'd carried around like an idol in my heart all these years. Neither were those moments when I'd weep over you as I struggled to get you to breastfeed, my tears falling on your squirming, frustrated face. Many times before I'd wondered judgmentally why someone wouldn't breastfeed their baby; now I found myself wondering who would judge me if I couldn't even make it one month.

I wanted to be your momma for a long time, my dear one. I was consumed with it, at times. And heart-wrenchingly, yet tenderly, God has used this past month to teach me that in my own power and strength I am capable of very little, much less the momentous task of being someone's mother. For such a role as that, God is showing me that nothing less than His strength will suffice. I would use motherhood to bask in my own glory and success; God has used it to gently drive me to my knees in humility.

I've never prayed so hard and so fervently as in this past month, most times accompanied with tears of desperate need. I tacked up these verses on the wall next to our rocking chair, and I read them to us in our hardest times:

"How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you." Isaiah 30:19

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:1-2

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: he gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young." Isaiah 40:11

"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

To be a mother is harder than I thought. But to love you, my baby, is as easy as if I have been doing it my whole life. I could bear hours of crying for just one of your toothless in-my-sleep smiles, or the drunken look on your face when you fall asleep nursing with a little drop of milk running out of your mouth. For the funny expression you make right before you poop. For the superman stretch you do when we try to swaddle you. For the snuggly moments when we nap together. For the softness of your skin, for the curl of your toes. For the way your Daddy loves you, for the way my heart feels like it might grow wings and fly right out of my chest when I see you two together. For your bright little eyes studying me when I read to us from your special Bible. For these moments - for even just one of them, just once - I can bear the hard times. And for the glory of God, I am finding divine purpose in my weakness.

So there will be tears - yours and mine. In fact, as I type this, you have finally gone to sleep after a three-hour inconsolable spell. We both cried a lot today. But God was in it, baby. We are his little lambs, you and I, gathered close to the heart of the Father in our distress. And so we learn to be grateful for whatever brings us near to Him.

I love you, my son. One month with you - only the beginning.

Love always,

Momma

Nicknames for Hudson So Far

Huddy

Huddy Buddy

Huddy Buddy Bear

Huddy Bean

Bean Bag Head

I don't know where that last one came from. I think because his head kinda flops around on his neck? Whatever, I love it. He's my sweet little Bean Bag Headed Baby.