One Month With You

My Sweet Huddy Bean,

Can you believe it has already been a month since you were born? It hardly seems possible that in such a short time you have changed so much, right before my eyes.

It's been rough at times, hasn't it? Like those hours spent holding your stiffened little body while you screamed in discomfort, your cry growing more frantic the more I tried to console you. I don't think that scene was ever in the idealized vision of motherhood that I'd carried around like an idol in my heart all these years. Neither were those moments when I'd weep over you as I struggled to get you to breastfeed, my tears falling on your squirming, frustrated face. Many times before I'd wondered judgmentally why someone wouldn't breastfeed their baby; now I found myself wondering who would judge me if I couldn't even make it one month.

I wanted to be your momma for a long time, my dear one. I was consumed with it, at times. And heart-wrenchingly, yet tenderly, God has used this past month to teach me that in my own power and strength I am capable of very little, much less the momentous task of being someone's mother. For such a role as that, God is showing me that nothing less than His strength will suffice. I would use motherhood to bask in my own glory and success; God has used it to gently drive me to my knees in humility.

I've never prayed so hard and so fervently as in this past month, most times accompanied with tears of desperate need. I tacked up these verses on the wall next to our rocking chair, and I read them to us in our hardest times:

"How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you." Isaiah 30:19

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:1-2

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: he gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young." Isaiah 40:11

"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

To be a mother is harder than I thought. But to love you, my baby, is as easy as if I have been doing it my whole life. I could bear hours of crying for just one of your toothless in-my-sleep smiles, or the drunken look on your face when you fall asleep nursing with a little drop of milk running out of your mouth. For the funny expression you make right before you poop. For the superman stretch you do when we try to swaddle you. For the snuggly moments when we nap together. For the softness of your skin, for the curl of your toes. For the way your Daddy loves you, for the way my heart feels like it might grow wings and fly right out of my chest when I see you two together. For your bright little eyes studying me when I read to us from your special Bible. For these moments - for even just one of them, just once - I can bear the hard times. And for the glory of God, I am finding divine purpose in my weakness.

So there will be tears - yours and mine. In fact, as I type this, you have finally gone to sleep after a three-hour inconsolable spell. We both cried a lot today. But God was in it, baby. We are his little lambs, you and I, gathered close to the heart of the Father in our distress. And so we learn to be grateful for whatever brings us near to Him.

I love you, my son. One month with you - only the beginning.

Love always,

Momma