Don't Play That Game

There's a game I've been playing with myself since Hudson was born.

It's called, "Maybe He'll Be Happy When."

First I thought, "Maybe he'll be happy when we finally get the hang of this breastfeeding thing."

Then, "Maybe he'll be happy when we get his reflux under control."

And, "Maybe he'll be happy when he hits 12 weeks."

Or, "Maybe he'll be happy when I get better at figuring out what he wants."

There's always, "Maybe he'll be happy when he gets out of this growth spurt."

Now that most of those milestones have come and gone, I've recently switched to "Maybe he'll be happy when he can move around more independently," or "Maybe he'll be happy when he can start eating solids."

Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe then.

And I try not to think about it, but it crawls in when things are falling apart and I'm holding a sobbing, red-faced, angry-sad baby at 3:37 am...

Maybe... maybe he'll never be happy.

Oh sure, he has happy moments. Happy hours, and sometimes even whole mostly-happy days. If you catch him then, he's got a gummy grin that keeps going and going, creating this little dimple right by his nose. And if you work really hard for it with some tickling and well-placed raspberries on the tummy, he's got a laugh that sounds like a squeaker toy.

But in general, "happy" is not an adjective I'd use to describe my little guy. He is many things, for better and for worse, but right now "happy" is not one of them. And maybe it never will be.

But maybe instead of playing the "maybe" game, I need to stop.

Stop comparing him to other babies.

Stop wishing he would be different.

Stop feeling jealous of friends for whom motherhood appears to be a glowing, glorious, easy experience.

Stop asking God to change Hudson and make him happy.

Instead, I must start asking God to change me. To make me more like Jesus, who loves me just as I am, so I can love Hudson, just as he is.

My baby is just that - a baby. Helpless and weak, despite how big and strong he sometimes seems to me. Dependent on me for everything. Looking to me for love and affection and encouragement and guidance, so he can grow and mature.

I am a woman. Now a mother. I am the one who must change - or rather, be changed. I am the one who can pray for us, for grace and strength in our hour of need. I am the one who must learn to sacrifice so I can serve my son. I am the one who needs to repent and set aside the "maybe" thoughts to which I unfairly hold my boy.

Oh God, that you would come near to us, to me and Huddy. Forgive me for being hard-hearted, and angry, and jealous, and self-pitying, and forgive me on his behalf, since he's too small to understand. Please help me to be more like Jesus. Please help me to love my baby just as he is. Please give me more and more grace, until at last it overflows in love and kindness and patience toward my son. Protect and guard him as he grows. I pray for the day of his salvation, that Hudson would be a man after your own heart. I pray that through our struggles, you would be glorified. I am so thankful and humbled that you have made me a mother. I am so thankful for Hudson. I repent of having an ungrateful heart. I repent of being unloving. I ask for more of you, and less of me.