Mascotology

It's that time of year again. Across the country, basketball fans are gearing up for March Madness. I am not one of them.

College basketball ranks somewhere around bowling and badmitton in "sports which disinterest me." I have no particular aversion to it - not to be compared to the way I feel about, say, the NBA. But neither do I follow or keep tabs on it with the exception of taking note here and there of a particular phenom or being generally pleased that a school I like is doing well.

However, all that aside, the one part of NCAA basketball I DO like is filling out my tourney bracket. Each year in our office we have a strictly-for-fun pool and each year I get really excited to use my own special methodology to complete my sheet. What is this method you ask? (Or maybe you didn't, but I will tell you anyway.)

I'm dubbing it... mascotology. I didn't invent this style of play or even this word, but I'm one of its biggest fans for sure. The general idea is this - all other knowledge of the sport (which in my case is very little) and the teams involved aside, which mascot would win in a battle to the death?

Sometimes it is a no-brainer. Sorry Syracuse, but the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjack would hack you to a juicy pulp with one swing of his manly ax.

This guy's not hurting anyone.

Other times, it requires serious thought (Bear against Tiger? Husky v. Bulldog?) and even thorough (read: Wikipedia) research. I kid you not, at one point I was forced to dig into Ancient Greek history to determine what went down between the Spartans (Michigan State) and the Trojans (USC). Spartans for the wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!

I must confess, I'm not completely faithful to the method. 1, 2, and 3 seeds usually get a pass for at least a round or two before I subject them to the same scrutiny. My favorites from the Big XII get the same special treatment. Other times a school's mascot is so ridiculously strong (heloooooo the Purdue Boilermaker is a STEAM TRAIN ENGINE, which could run over and smoosh the life out of just about anything) or pathetically passive (sorry OSU, but the worst a buckeye tree is going to do is fall on something) that I have to take into account that school's ranking to give them or their opponents a fair cop.

Things also get tricky when the spiritual plane (Demon Deacons, Blue Devils, Sun Devils) collides with the phyiscal (Wildcats, Longhorns). Technically I'd say the demons and devils have the upper hand, what with their powers of possession and all, but occassionally I'll make exceptions.

Certain mascots almost never win. Eagles and other assorted birds are frequently outmatched, although I do have the Louisville Cardinals beating the Ohio State Buckeyes... since, you know, one can eat the other. Also at a disadvantage (unless they're one of my favorite teams) are those with the fictional or otherwise unidentifiable mascots. Jayhawk, for example? Made up animal. And Akron, really? What exactly, pray tell, is a Zip? (Upon further investigation, the Akron mascot is actually a kangaroo. Kind of cool. However, upon further further investigation, it is really... special looking.)

Duuuuuuuuuuh.

Then there's the whole world of human v. human. Those with guns (Mountaineers, Cowboys) have an upper hand, although the stealth and hunting expertise of the American Indians (Utes, Fighting Illini, Seminoles) and the sheer old-school brutality of others (Vikings) give the organized militia (Spartans, Trojans, Volunteers) a run for their money. Others like Aggies and Sooners and TarHeels seem harmless, but keep in mind, as I do, that they were all probably armed.

My most difficult match-up so far was Memphis and Mizzou, who I have playing against one another in the Sweet Sixteen round. Memphis beat the California Golden Bears to advance to this game, while Mizzou took down the Utah State Aggies. So what's the problem?

Noooooo.... TIGER v. TIGER

I eventually went with Mizzou, them being a hometown favorite and all. Otherwise I probably would've had to get down to which tiger mascot looked more ferocious. Again, I think Mizzou would've won out. The Memphis tiger looks kind of like he was trying to climb over that M and got stuck, where as the Mizzou tiger is just apparating from within the M. Extra bonus powers.

In 2007, I came close to winning it all with mascotology. In 2008, it failed miserably. We'll see what happens in 2009!