It's The OSCARS, Kids!

Super-famous, hot, rich people got all dolled up so they could give each other awards. But mostly so we'd have some clothes to talk about come Monday morning. Or, fine, Tuesday night. I'm slow. Sue me.

Here we go!

You might have to hear me repeat this a lot, but I liked Cameron Diaz's dress much better on TV than I do in this picture. In the picture it looks a little washed out, but on stage I think it was really pretty without sacrificing her easy-breezy style. Usually a blond in a cream colored dress can be a recipe for wash-out-ville, but Cammy is so tan that I think it is working. And she finally appears to have gotten her new shorter hair under control. Well done, Miss Diaz! You've started us off pleasantly. However...

Let's get right to the point. What was UP with Angelina Jolie?! I did not see her on the red carpet prior to the show, but apparently she posed like this all night, not just (infamously, now) on stage. I actually thought she looked really beautiful - love the blown-out hair, the dramatic dress, the red lips. But as the night wore on, it was overshadowed by the realization that she was just... suspiciously... cheerful. Every time they cut to her, she was smiling, like full-on with teeth, or even laughing. And posing like the spirit of Lea Michele had taken over her body. Not that she doesn't have reason to be happy, but it was just so shockingly unlike the typical Ice Queen demeanor that we usually get from her at these events. Did anyone besides Heather (my faithful Oscar G-Chatting comrade) and I notice? What say you, readers? Was she high? Drunk? Maybe she accidentally ate some mints and the sugar rush overwhelmed her frail frame? Or maybe she woke up and finally realized that she was a superstar at Hollywood's most glamourous night, quasi-married to Brad Pitt, with eleven (or something) adorable rugrat children and a bajillion dollars to her name? That'd be enough to slap a smile on my face.

A lot of people seemed to hate this on Gwyneth Paltrow, but I LOVED it. Yes, that's right, I loved a floor-length white cape and matching gown. It was so sleek and cool, which is the Gwyneth aesthetic these days. Her cuff is also to die for. The hair was a little meh, but I understand the understated nature of what she was going for.

Maya Rudolph looked swell, don't you think? Love the color, and love how the side-swept hair showed off the beautiful glitzy back. I also love how she told Tim Gunn that she was wearing an insane amount of shapewear. It's doing its job well, girl!

I was bummed about this Melissa McCarthy dress, y'all. She looked beautiful and happy but I don't think the style or color of the dress is doing her any favors. A different color could've rescued this somewhat, but I was overall hoping for more. I'm a big girl, and I get that we have more challenges than just having designers hand us stuff straight off the runway. But I think she had more success navigating those challenges at other events this season. I know they aren't the exact same shape and certainly age-appropriateness plays a factor, but think of Amber Riley from Glee, or Octavia Spencer. They have found a way to really work with their size on the red-carpet, and I hope the same in the future for Melissa. Whom I love. LOVE, I say.

Shailene Woodley is only 20 years old. Why is she wearing this weird, futuristic dress that totally ages her? "Sexy" doesn't seem to be her wheelhouse, which is fine and even commendable, but I don't think that means she can't have fun and be fresh. Shay (can I call you Shay?), you should be wearing sparkles! And colors! Also, I may or may not be able to see your boobs through the... whatever that is on the bodice of your dress. And I'm going to have to insist, young lady, that you put on a sweater and cover that up.

My main takeaway from Oscar night was, "Okay FINE I'll see The Artist already. Stop pushing me!" The lovely Berenice Bejo, who has an awesome name, was wearing this frothy minty green concoction. Very pretty, although I'm not sure it was the exact right color for her. It kind of blends right into her skin, and especially in the arms this gives it an odd effect. I was really distracted by her hair, which from other angles had braided interest, but from the front looked sort of like my hair after I've done some housecleaning. Which is to say, not very fancy.

LOVE, seriously love, this dress. HATE those bangs. It's like the front half of a six-year-old's home-done bowl haircut is eating Ellie Kemper's lovely face.

Emma Stone told a red carpet interviewer that her dress was fuchsia, and I keep squinting at different photos trying to see that, but it just looks red to me. Maybe because in my mental colorwheel, fuchsia is closer to pinky/purple than red. Anyway, I digress. I liked this, actually, which surprised me. The bow is kind of intense, but without it the dress would've been fairly forgettable. She was so great in her presenting bit with Ben Stiller, too.

For Glenn Close, I wrote in my notes, "Wish it didn't have the tail/bustle, but I still like it. Sort of sexy mother-of-the-bride." I think that sums it up. She has an amazing figure.

The Sisters Mara sure seem like they're a bucket of laughs. You can really see the family resemblance in the chin-tucked non-smiles and general air of disdain. Kate (top) and Rooney (bottom) are currently starring in American Horror Story and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, respectively, so I don't necessarily expect them to be prancing around like chipper little cheerleaders, but come onnnnnnnn. You're at the Oscars, not filming scenes in character. It's okay to lighten up a little. Now, fashion. Kate's dress had potential, but what's with the arm threads? That detail, plus the drab color, and it sort of looks like she's shedding her skin. I quite like the lacy ethereal nature of Rooney's gown, and of course it is meant to be high contrast to her severe hair and make-up. But when you get down to it, it looks like her boobs have sleepy eyelids. And I can't get on board with that. I also can't get on board with those bangs. They're minutely better than Ellie's, but I was really hoping she'd get them out of her face as she has in other red-carpet appearances this season. Like, if she was sporting this hair, I might be able to overlook the boob lids. As such, I cannot. I WILL NOT.

I wish Kristen Wiig had worn a color. She beautiful and has such a fun, quirky personality, but she often picks these very plain, neutral looks for the red carpet. Even if this was a rich caramel color or a dusty camel color or anything other than nude. Her hair looked better than it has in other appearances. I don't know, I was hoping for more.

I thought Natalie Portman's vintage dress was adorable. Simple and classic with the fun little polka dot pattern. But I really thought the styling was a miss. The necklace feels too heavy and formal, and the hair seems better suited for a more modern style. A flirty little up-do and some lighter baubles would've been the perfect touch for this playful gown.

I think I'm having Michelle Williams burnout, guys, because I shouldn't hate this dress as much as I do. But I just... loathe it. It looks like a lampshade in an Old West house of ill-repute. Check out this shot of the back. For some weird reason the back panel of the bodice is a nude shade, instead of the red. I have no idea what the purpose of this detail would be. That, coupled with the shape of the top, made her seem like a straight line from bust to hip. I also think I'm over the pixie hair, and specifically over this version of it. I mean, maybe she's over it too - speaking from experience, it takes forever to grow out, and there are so many awkward stages in between. I liked the shortie hair better when she had the longer bangs swept across the front. But maybe between now and next awards season she'll brave the awkward stages and we'll see a fresh look from Miss Jen Lindley.

I kept going back and forth about this look on Sandra Bullock. On screen, it moved very nicely and had a bit more snazz than it does in pictures. But the more I stare at it, the more it looks like some sinister gold hands are creeping around her waist, and they're going to slowly start squeezing.

I also felt like this didn't photograph well. The fabric looks very bridesmaid-dress-eque in this photo, which I don't remember it being on TV. I loved this shape on Tina, and thought her hair and makeup looked splendid. She defaults to black a lot, but this was still a polished, flattering look.

The color is great. I love how it picks up the highlights in her hair. The dress itself looks like a gold bathrobe. And an itchy one, as Heather pointed out in our conversation. Compared to her contemporaries Glenn Close and Helen Mirren, Meryl never seems to look quite as sharp. She's probably not crying herself to sleep over it, though, in her house filled with her 752 assorted awards and accolades. So moving on.

Octavia Spencer looked great. She's not reinventing the wheel, but she's found a shape that works for her shape and size, and that's awesome. Lovely, polished, fashionable. Kudos.

Look, J-Lo looks slammin'. We know she looks slammin', and she definitely knows she looks slammin'. It's tight and dramatic and suggestive and diva-licious, but that is her to a T. The one thing that drove me absolutely bonkers about this dress was the illusion netting in the arm cutouts.

Hair/makeup, gorgeous. Dress color, great. Shape, good. But Viola Davis's dress lost me in the details. The fussy skirt business seems like an afterthought that has nothing to do with the structured top and bejeweled bust. Which appears to be pinching her boobs together rather severely, no? She was the best part of The Help, by the way. And almost completely unrecognizable. That doesn't have anything to do with her dress, but I just wanted to say it.

Stacy Keibler looked really pretty, but for some reason this just rubbed me the wrong way. Isn't it a little tacky, somehow? Maybe I'm letting my personal feelings about George Clooney's string of arm candy get to me. Like, he brought his disposable girlfriend to the Oscars dressed AS AN OSCAR. But if Stacy Keibler doesn't have a problem being Clooney's Flavor of the Month, then maybe I shouldn't either. Who knows, maybe she'll prove to be the Annette Bening to his Warren Beatty. I think I digressed again. To recap, Stacy looked very pretty and I have no other pertinent feelings on the matter.

We're nearing the end! So Miss Elena Gilbert Nina Dobrev here wasn't at the actual Oscars ceremony, but when I saw this picture of her at Elton John's annual post-show gala, I had to include it. And my love for her show The Vampire Diaries aside, she. Is. Killing. It. Have we ever seen a CW starlet look so consistently glamorous and polished? Half the time the pretty young things from that network's lineup of teen shows are photographed looking just ridiculous, but nine times out of ten Nina rises above the fray.

Alright, the moment you've all been waiting for! Congratulations Jessica Chastain, you are my choice for best dressed Oscars 2012! Almost as good as winning the actual Oscar, amiright? The black and gold looks so divine with her pale skin and red hair. The dress itself is dramatic and with all the embroidery work it could have been rather stiff and severe, but from the hips it just falls away in such a soft, elegant fashion. Her simple, soft hair was the perfect style, and the delicate gold jewelry an elegant finishing touch. Slow clap for you, Jessica. You earned it.

If you made it all the way to the end of this behemoth of a post, congratulations! You deserve an award too. Oscars for everyone!

Leave your fashionably fashionable fashion comments in the comments! I need a nap.