I've been a little down for the past couple days... just thinking about lots of things, but especially my direction/future plans. I'm having trouble even putting a finger on what exactly is wrong, and so maybe it isn't one specific thing. But generally, I don't know what is in store for me and I am afraid of missing something important, or not taking a risk, or waking up one morning five years from now and wondering why I'm going to the job I am or doing the things I'm doing and realizing I'm thirty, not eighteen or twenty or twenty five anymore, and I don't have all the time in the world to decide what I want to "be" when I grow up.
I want to travel the world, I want to have children and be a mother, I want to write and create and who knows what else. What if those things are never in God's plan for me? Sometimes it is so hard to tell the difference between when the desires of our heart are supposed to be laid down in submission to God's greater plan and when those same desires are supposed to be pursued BECAUSE God has laid them on our heart in the first place!
I get frustrated sometimes because I think I trained myself too well growing up to achieve academically as the best way to get to the next step or stage in my life. I feel like I am betraying my education and intelligence by wandering around in this "limbo" period, without a career-oriented goal to work toward. I remember not too long ago talking with Ben about all this and suddenly bursting into tears saying "I'm smart too!" He was probably confused, but what I meant was that all around me are people pursuing - or practicing - just the thing that their education prepared them for. I feel left behind, I suppose, doodling around in a job that I like but have no desire to pursue as a career. I admire (and am jealous of?) how my friends confidentally saw God's calling for them, took the steps necessary to puruse it, and are now or will soon be DOING it! Nursing, Occupational Therapy, Science Professor... clearly my first misstep was with my English degreee... I suppose I thought I could just read books forever! :) But in seriousness, I want to use whatever God has given me to the fullest impact for His kingdom. If intelligence is one of those gifts, how am I to best use that? I don't want to waste it! If all I ever want to do is be a mom and wife, have I wasted it? (This is the part where I need a specific answer...)
I want to be a lover of Jesus, completely and only satisfied by devoting myself to God and to boldly, passionately run in pursuit of his plans and purposes for my life. I think right now I'm just stalling out on which direction I'm supposed to be running! If you read this and think to do so, I'd be grateful for your prayers that God would help reveal this to me, or at least confirm to me that this waiting period is in fact part of his plan, and not my way of stalling in fear.
2 comments:
I am struck by the irony in your situation! Your life up through college seems to have been primarily about pursuing academic achievement, the point of which (for most people) is to get a solid educational background for launching into a particular career path. Or, some people use that time to discover what they're good at, and then choose a career. Or, some people are just good at school and never stop to think that they'll need to get a job one day (ahem, my sister!). But as far as the working world is concerned, the first point is the reason for doing well at school- to get into a good college/grad school/medical school/whatever and to get a good job in a specific area. (Reaching for the stars!)
But there is no school for learning how to be a good parent, except for observing other parents and then actually becoming one (lots of on-the-job training, I'd say). Oh sure, there are classes for childhood development and the like, but your academic pursuits are basically separate from anything that would prepare you to be a parent.
But on the other hand, you becoming the person you are through all of this academic training is something that's important for being a good parent. Being aware of the world around you, of history and art and politics and nature, is a quality I wish EVERYONE would pass on to their children. So I think training to be an intelligent parent is incredibly important.
Basically though, the irony is that you can't have your cake and eat it too. If you went to school with the mindset of not wanting a "career", but wanting to be a mom, then why are you upset that you aren't more "career-minded" now? Is being a mother less important to you now that you're working? Would you be having any of these thoughts if you already had kids (i.e., if you didn't have a few years to think about where your life was going)? Do you feel comfortable attempting to be both a worker and a mother (which is what I want to be), whereas before you only wanted to be a stay-at-home mom? Do you feel God WANTS you to be more career-minded now, as a way of satisfying you before you have kids? And what about after kids???
I don't know the answers to any of these, and you probably don't either. But I'm praying for God to give you clarity of mind for this.
And don't think you're alone in this!!! I may think I know I'm where God wants me to be, but I still doubt it almost daily. At least once a month I just cry and pray and ask God if this is really what He wants me to do. I know Jon has doubts too. We all do. Our faith is weak. Our flesh is weak. We want to be continually happy and feel like something is wrong if we're not living out our dreams. (A lot of that has to do with the influence of our society, but that's another post!) But isn't it comforting to know that God is in control, if we'd only let Him be? Living for Him and following His will for our lives is NOT enjoyable or fun every day. I don't think any of us will ever get to a point in life where we're totally content, if we're following His will, because that is COMPLACENCY.
So cheer up and take comfort that you aren't even the slightest bit alone in this. Take some classes if you want to investigate a new area of work/inspiration. Volunteer to do more for God. Use this time without children to get more done for HIM than you will be able to once the babies come along. I already feel like I do less for God as a married person than I could if I was still single, so I feel a fair amount of pressure to be as useful as possible before I have kids and all of my time and energy and resources are tied up in them. (That sounds negative, but I think you know what I mean.)
This is a crazy-long response to your post! Please forgive my rambling; I just wanted to help by adding my observations.
Love you AJ!!!!!
~H
Amy, I feel like I could have written this very same thing (except without your clever wit...). I have felt that very same thing more and more lately - just growing antsy where I'm at, but not sure what I'm suppose to do about it. God's timing really is perfect, but it sure seems a little behind my own timeline some days! Thanks for sharing your heart - and I did just pray for you. Maybe we really should talk about that bakery :-)
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