Oscars 2013

Well that was one of the most tedious awards shows I can remember in a long time. It dragged on and on and seemed poorly produced... blerg. Seth MacFarlane was an uninspired host and the alleged theme of "music in the movies" was muddled, despite some pleasing enough performances. But hey, that's not why we're here! Rich famous people wore fancy clothes for us to look at! Shall we? This year we are going alphabetically for no reason at all.

I am choosing to highlight Adele's performance look because it was much more fun than her red carpet one. I know the retro bouffant-do is kind of her thing but I love her hair down like this. So gorgeous! So much body! This sparkly dress was also gorgeous, but in an interview she said it weighed a ton, which is why I'm sure she didn't wear it except on stage. 

Zzzzzzzz. Bring it back in an actual color and we'll talk, Amanda. She's so pretty, but this dress is pretty forgettable, non? I think that hairstyle is a touch aging, too.

Droopy dishwater. :( Dishwater is not a color, Amy! If I squint, I get the illusion that this could have been a sort of icy, minty blue color. And I might have been able to get behind that. But as is, it is just making me sad. 

I decided to liven things up by including some pics of people who attended after parties but not the actual show itself. Like Amy Poehler here, who looks gorgeous in hunter green. I'm pretty sure everyone was secretly hoping she and Tina Fey would swoop in mid-show and take over hosting. Maybe next year, gals!

I am not an Anne Hathaway hater, as some are. But I do hate this dress. Word on the street is that she switched at the last minute, and that would explain why it seems so ill-fitting. And yet I can't really imagine what could've been so wrong with her initial choice that would've driven her to this. The column-style skirt looks so stiff and a little cheap, and the neckline is reminding me of some halter dresses I had in the early 90s. I don't even think this baby pink is a flattering color for her. Just. Not. Feeling It.

I actually much prefer this number she wore to the after party. The color is veering towards the dreaded dishwater, but at least there's some sparkle and it seems more flattering and fashionable. 

This dress isn't really all that interesting. On someone else it could be just okay, or maybe forgettable. But on Charlize Theron it drops jaws. I mean, c'mon... look at her. She has that kind of breathtaking beauty that you must appreciate like a sunrise or a majestic mountain. And with a grown-out buzzcut! 

 I don't particularly love this dress, but I'm awarding Halle Berry the coveted title of "Most Improved." This is the maybe the least skin she has ever had showing, but she looks gorgeous as ever, and maybe even more so for not trying too hard. Brava, HB!

Jane Fonda is 75 years old. Gotta get me some of her workout tapes. She looks fabulous and what a fresh color.

With an up-do, I might have had better feelings about Jennifer Aniston's voluminous Valentino. I get that this is her signature hair, but such a dramatic dress demands a little more elegance, I think. Love the red though.

I feel I need to start with a disclaimer, which is that I love Jennifer Garner and believe we could be friends and therefore am probably incapable of judging this gown objectively. But the color is SOOOOOO great - I don't think I saw anyone else wearing any shade of purple at all. And I know she might be in a strapless rut, but if you had those shoulders and arms, wouldn't you show them off constantly too? Yes that's a whole heckuva lot of fabric tacked onto her back, but it's so pretty and ruffly and I like it. I LIKE IT! I will stand firmly against those dyed-to-match shoes, though.

Like Adele, I far preferred Jennifer Hudson's performance dress to her red-carpet one. Don't you think she looks weirdly like Taylor Swift in the blue dress? Maybe it is the hair/bangs. Another dye-to-match shoe. Just say no, ladies! That sparkly performance dress was so va-va-voom and flattering. If anyone was ever going to sell me on Weight Watchers, it would be J-Hud.

As with Jennifer Garner, my affection for Jennifer Lawrence may overshadow my sartorial judgment. Let me start with what I do know: gorgeous hair and makeup. Just flawless. Love the very chic long necklace draped down the back. Now as for the gown itself... on-stage it appears to have been a blush color, which I like better than when I thought it was white. I was going to say that I don't know if it seems very "her," but upon further consideration, when else should you wear a giant Dior ballgown if not to pick up your very first Oscar? True, it caused her to trip going up the stairs, but that did little other than make everyone love her even more.

Also really liked this dress she wore to the parties - more fun, more spunky, more relaxed, but totally fierce.

Jessica Chastain looked very beautiful and happy. I didn't feel strongly one way or the other about this dress, except for maybe wishing it was a little bit bolder bronze color. This picture isn't really doing justice to how flawless her hair and makeup were.

A lot of people super-duper loved Kerry Washington here but I... was not one of them. Her makeup is lovely and soft, and the coral/hot-pink color is really fun. But the word I wrote down in my notes to describe that bodice was "barnacles." I think maybe if it did not have those fluttery pink bits? Why were they arranged so sporadically? Why is there also a bow involved? What if it was just sparkly/bejeweled? Also I don't know if this is her best hair? Apparently this look has left me with questions.

From the moment I spotted her on the red carpet, Naomi Watts was my best dressed. Even after sleeping on it, I'm still sticking with her. That makes two awards shows in a row, Ms. Watts! Give yo'self a pat on the back! This dress is that perfect blend of fashion-forward and yet totally beautiful and flattering. Plus, sparklessssssss!!! And apparently I wasn't the only one who thought she looked totally spectacular:

Husband Liev Schreiber taking her picture with his iPhone? ADORBS.

As I am looking over this picture of Nicole Kidman, I think I've decided I liked this MUCH better on screen as opposed to in still shots. Here it seems a little like... too many random details thrown together. Sequins! Black! Gold! Swirls! Outlining! The Batman Emblem over her belly button! On screen, however, it had this striking fluid effect, and if I may be permitted to say so, her boobs looked fabulous. It seemed like a dress that was safely in her wheelhouse (form-fitting, dramatic) and yet not quite as severe as some other looks we've seen her in. She seemed a little looser and freer than normal, which indicated to me that she was comfortable. Or maybe a little buzzed. Momma's big night out and all.

I thought this dress on Nina Dobrev at Elton John's after party was so striking I just had to include it. That is a bold print, but the sleek silhouette combined with her long and lean figure really works. Don't know about that clutch, but a girl's gotta have a purse. I've said this about her before, but I find it a relief that a young starlet on a CW show (which, full disclosure, I admittedly LOVE) continually shows up at these events looking so classy and gorgeous. There's hope for the rest of them, then.

Reese's dress, like Nicole's, worked better for me on screen than in pictures. There was a richness to the color and a cleanness to the lines of the gown that isn't translating here. Although I'm literally just now noticing as I'm typing this... is there a bow over her left boob? Oh dear. Mixed feelings are washing over me. Boob bow doesn't really need to be a thing on the gown of a grown woman. And this dress doesn't need it. Okay quickly, let's just focus on everything north of the neck, which looks gorgeous if uncharacteristically somber for the usually chipper Reese.

Love this on Sally Field. Age-appropriate without being dowdy or frumpy or dull. I like that she wore a big, dramatic gown. If not at the Oscars, then when?!

I really dislike what Salma Hayek did with her hair (or rather, what she paid a team of stylists to do with her hair). Definitely think an up-do is the right choice for a neckline like this, but simple and sleek probably would've been my choice. Why didn't you ask ME, Salma? Too busy being a successful actress married to a billionaire okay I see how it is. The dress itself is kind of cool and makes her shoulders look phenomenal, plus it is really quite different from the type of thing she usually wears. So, for that, I give kudos.

Y'all, Stacy Keibler was a professional lady wrestler and now she's been George Clooney's date at not one but two Oscars. UPGRADE. She was one of my favorites for the night. I loved the sort of 20s/flapper vibe this had, and obviously you can't tell in this picture but the dress had a great, slinky movement that added to the effect. Very cool dress, love the tucked under hair. Keep up the good work Ms. K.

If I put my hand over the top half of Zoe Saldana's dress, I am so in. I absolutely love the way the shades of gray waterfall out of the hem of this gown. But ugh, the top is a hot mess, like a Project Runway amateur challenge. A bow AND a belt AND a lace aplique AND some flowery business. Zoinks. Great earrings though. And, you know, she's totally gorgeous. I don't think she's probably going to cry herself to sleep over my critique here.

I totally loathed Zooey Deschanel's after-party dress. It was fugly and frumpy. That is why I am only showing you her head. Plus, I want to focus on the positive, and you guys! She did something different with her hair! The bangs are swept to the side and it is such a relief! I honestly can't remember the last time I saw even a fraction of her forehead. The pinned-under bob is cute, too (it isn't a haircut, at least not according to the internet). I'm sure with her tv show she can't just hack her hair off mid-season, but it is nice to know that if she ever does, she'll look just lovely.

Well, that's a fashion wrap! As always, leave your rants and raves in the comments! To close, may I offer this video of my favorite Oscar-related moment. Warning, after watching you may be seized with a violent affection for Jennifer Lawrence, if you haven't been already.