I've been a little down for the past couple days... just thinking about lots of things, but especially my direction/future plans. I'm having trouble even putting a finger on what exactly is wrong, and so maybe it isn't one specific thing. But generally, I don't know what is in store for me and I am afraid of missing something important, or not taking a risk, or waking up one morning five years from now and wondering why I'm going to the job I am or doing the things I'm doing and realizing I'm thirty, not eighteen or twenty or twenty five anymore, and I don't have all the time in the world to decide what I want to "be" when I grow up.
I want to travel the world, I want to have children and be a mother, I want to write and create and who knows what else. What if those things are never in God's plan for me? Sometimes it is so hard to tell the difference between when the desires of our heart are supposed to be laid down in submission to God's greater plan and when those same desires are supposed to be pursued BECAUSE God has laid them on our heart in the first place!
I get frustrated sometimes because I think I trained myself too well growing up to achieve academically as the best way to get to the next step or stage in my life. I feel like I am betraying my education and intelligence by wandering around in this "limbo" period, without a career-oriented goal to work toward. I remember not too long ago talking with Ben about all this and suddenly bursting into tears saying "I'm smart too!" He was probably confused, but what I meant was that all around me are people pursuing - or practicing - just the thing that their education prepared them for. I feel left behind, I suppose, doodling around in a job that I like but have no desire to pursue as a career. I admire (and am jealous of?) how my friends confidentally saw God's calling for them, took the steps necessary to puruse it, and are now or will soon be DOING it! Nursing, Occupational Therapy, Science Professor... clearly my first misstep was with my English degreee... I suppose I thought I could just read books forever! :) But in seriousness, I want to use whatever God has given me to the fullest impact for His kingdom. If intelligence is one of those gifts, how am I to best use that? I don't want to waste it! If all I ever want to do is be a mom and wife, have I wasted it? (This is the part where I need a specific answer...)
I want to be a lover of Jesus, completely and only satisfied by devoting myself to God and to boldly, passionately run in pursuit of his plans and purposes for my life. I think right now I'm just stalling out on which direction I'm supposed to be running! If you read this and think to do so, I'd be grateful for your prayers that God would help reveal this to me, or at least confirm to me that this waiting period is in fact part of his plan, and not my way of stalling in fear.
