Broccoli

My thoughts exactly, little guy.

Hyperbole and a Half

Do you need to laugh? I mean really just laugh so hard that your stomach hurts and your eyes start watering? To laugh so loud and so much that people come down the hall into your office so they can find out what is so freaking funny?

Here.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

You're welcome.

It's all hilarious, but be sure not to miss the posts This Is Why I'll Never Be An Adult as well as one of my favorites, Dog.

(Special thanks to Heather, who was the first one to show me this magical site. I'll forever be indebted to you, dear!)

Wednesday, Brain Free Day!

Today I basically forgot how to be a functioning human being. I don't know if I was just tired or what but geeeeeeeez.

I could provide multiple examples, but we'll just cut to the most humiliating.

My place of work is right next to a Chick-fil-a. So naturally, I was eating there for lunch. I sat by myself in a sunny booth on the opposite side from the children's play place, planning on doing a little reading and enjoying my chicken sandwich. I had my own drink, a berry Vitamin Water that I'd been sipping on.

Oh, let's mention how I was wearing a cute new shirt too. That'll come into play momentarily.

So, I'm reading, and lunching, and enjoying myself. I go to give my Vitamin Water bottle a shake - just a habit I have before I take a drink.

Except I had already taken the lid off. And laid it on the table. So my vigorous drink shaking turned into a cold, abrupt shower. I mean, literally. And I don't like to misuse that word. But LITERALLY. I was drenched. Thank goodness I had a fat stack of napkins, which I immediately used up drying off my face - my FACE, people - and my arms, and my chest. My new shirt was soaked down the front, and my lap was conveniently spotted to look like I'd peed my pants. And of course I got it all over my book.

While I wiped myself down I looked around frantically to see if anyone was pointing and laughing, which they would've had every right to do. Thankfully, everyone seemed otherwise occupied, and I was able to grab my belongings and scurry to the bathroom to survey the damage further. I patted down as much as I could with some paper towels, then artfully held my bag so as to block the did-that-girl-pee-her-pants spot on my jeans and high-tailed it out of the restaurant. Shame bonus: As I speed-walked to the door, I saw some poor Chick-fil-a employee mopping up the floor by the booth where I had been sitting. THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS. HE NEEDED A MOP.

Now, I don't know what happened to you today, but that has got to take the cake.

Hi, Welcome to Taco Bell, How May I Judge You Today?

Yesterday, I decided to get Taco Bell on my lunch break. That was my first mistake, I know. I don't even really like Taco Bell that much, but I was driving and there it was and it was on the right side of the road and it was a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut and breadsticks sounded really good.

I DIGRESS.

I go through the drive thru. (I don't really like spelling words wrong but "drive through" looks too formal.) I order my food. I pull up to the window. Money is exchanged. Food is passed to me.

And then, AND THEN.

Taco Bell Drive Thru Employee, peering into my backseat, comments, "Somebody likes Sonic." I turn to see what he means and realize there are eight (okay maybe twelve) Sonic styrofoam cups rolling around in the back of my SUV.

Classy, right? But they were clean, rinsed, waiting to be taken to Publix which is the only place I know that recycles styrofoam cups. FOR RECYCLING, DO YOU HEAR ME? For the good of the EARTH.

Nevermind that it looks like I've got a once-a-day habit of downing Route 44s in the secret of my car.

So that, my friends and readers (you're actually one and the same), is the story of how I got judged by the Drive Thru Guy. As if I needed to feel more shame pulling away from a TACO BELL.

Has a minimum wage fast food worker ever judged you from his window? No? So you probably feel pretty good about yourself right now, huh? You're welcome.

Just Because I Love Twilight...

...doesn't mean I can't appreciate a really fantastic parody! Or maybe it means I can appreciate it even more. Either way, I give you the latest of SNL's Digital Shorts, the trailer for a little movie called "Firelight."




PS. How adorable and fun was Taylor Swift as host/musical guest this week? She did a great job. I especially liked her spunky monologue song, which you can see here.

Grill Master

From the always awesome Toothpaste For Dinner:



From my backyard, yesterday, apx. 7:00 pm:


Love you, my little grill-master!

PS. Thanks Heather for the link!

Heh heh heh heh.

So if I was this boy's parent would I ground him or give him a high five? Maybe both? Add this to my list of things I'm going to have to stop saying when we have kids.

via OfficeTally

Zack Attack

I love when people are good sports about themselves. Score for Mark Paul Gosselaar... I mean, Zack Morris.

Andy's Version

During last night's MTV Movie Awards, before the actual trailer for New Moon was shown for the first time, Andy Samberg gave us this gem. I figured since I posted the real one I should include his hilarious version too!

Learn Your Rules

As if you needed additional evidence that Dwight was the most hilariously deranged character on television today, I present this clip from last week's episode of "The Office:"

Blogger Roll Call: User-Found Funnies

This little group of blogs falls in the same line as great sites like Found and PostSecret (which isn't in my favorites because while I find it incredibly fascinating it is very often horribly sad) where the content is made up entirely of user-submitted items. Each one is very specific but wonderfully hilarious in its own way. WARNING! The first two sites usually have some R-rated language so just be advised.

Passive-Aggressive Notes
This site collects and comments on passive-aggressive (or just plain aggressive) notes left from roommates, in offices, by strangers, via Facebook... you name it. You'll be surprised how politely enraged someone can sound on a post-it note!

Postcards from Yo Momma
The girls who run this blog collect emails and IMs submitted by the children of funny moms around the world. Moms confused by technology, moms sharing too much information, moms dropping unsubtle hints about behavior, clothes, jobs, kids... They are adorable, random, and HILARIOUS. One of my all-time favorites was from a mom asking her daughter how to unfriend someone on Facebook... specifically, her own husband. And I am confessing, right now, here it goes... Mom, I might have submitted our Kanye-related conversation to this blog. And it might have gotten selected and published. Anonymously, of course!

The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks
This might be a blog only an English major could love, but hopefully you'll find it as funny as I do. The title pretty much sums it up - she collects photos of signs from around the world with incorrectly used quotation marks. You'd think most people would know what quotes are used for. But you'd be wrong. So, so wrong.

Blogger Roll Call: Cupcakes & Cake Wrecks

Since the holidays are upon us and I might not be able to write my normal lengthy and thought-provoking (ha) blogs, I thought I'd start a little series which I am titling Blogger Roll Call. This is where I will give a little highlight of one of the blogs I follow and enjoy, and maybe in doing so some of you will discover you want to read them too! I keep a list which you can reference to the right of all these blogs but perhaps they need a little more explanation to get you interested.

So without further ado, I present the first edition of Blogger Roll Call, featuring Cake Wrecks and Cupcakes Take the Cake! I lumped these two together because they both deal with delicious baked goods, albeit in two very different ways.

Cupcakes Take the Cake celebrates the delicious beauty of cupcakes. The pictures on this blog are amazing - these cupcakes are literally tiny visual masterpieces.

These cupcake-lovin' ladies also post recipes and links to fancy cupcakeries all over the country. Before I read this blog, I would never have dreamed it was possible to create a vegan cupcake. I mean, I'll probably never actually do this, seeing as how things I love includes milk, eggs, and butter, but still. Good to know!

Cake Wrecks, as the name might imply, takes things in a whole new direction. Six days of the week, she posts submitted "wrecks" - professionally made cakes that are hideously ugly, poorly done, or have hilariously mangled inscriptions.

It is almost too good to be true that such monstrosities exist. BUT THEY DO. On Sundays, she provides a little break from the insanity and showcases "Sunday Sweets" - beautiful and cream of the crop custom cakes made by inventive and artistic bakers.

Both of these are a fun and delightful read, especially if you love baking and sweet treats as much as I do!

Water Weirdo

As I sit here at my desk, I have within arm's reach no fewer than three individual cups filled with assorted levels of water. This is because I am insane.

No really. If you go to my house you will notice the same thing. When I do the dishes I always have to walk all over the house collecting my many half-full glasses of water. I have no idea why I do this, although Ben and I compare it to the little girl in the movie Signs. So I suppose if aqua-phobic aliens invade Earth my little quirk might come in handy.

My only other explanation is that I like to drink water when it is cold, but I also drink it slowly. This means that often the water is room-temperature and I still have half a glass left. Which I then leave strewn about on some flat surface and help myself to another glass. Why not just dump that glass out and fill it with fresh cold water? I have no idea. Like I said, insane.

Monday Night: Battle of the Chucks

In one corner, we have Chuck Bass, who alongside his sometimes love/all-the-times nemesis Blair Waldorf, is the real star of the WB's deliciously bad Gossip Girl.

In the other corner, we have Chuck Bartowski, the adorabley geeky accidental spy after whom NBC's action-comedy Chuck is named.

Two shows. One timeslot - 7 pm, Monday nights. Only one TiVo.

What's a couple to do? Ben and I came to the difficult decision that we would TiVo Chuck since we (oh yes, he likes it too) could watch Gossip Girl online. But I made sure to put in a clause that stated that if I happened to get home on time I could watch GG live from the other TV.

And thank goodness for that, because last night both our Chucks were in fine form. Mr. Bass was showing his softer side, overcoming Blair's straight-from-Cruel-Intentions schemes and looking suave in his typically insane outfits to boot. Over on channel 4, Mr. Bartowski was HI-larious... maybe the funniest episode yet for the show. Plus, there were guest roles by Nicole Ritchie and - wait for it - CORY from Boy Meets World (actual name Ben Savage). If only they'd gotten Topanga, too...

Salad Love

It is a fact well-known by many people (especially my coworkers) that last year I fell in love. It was unexpected, but I couldn't help myself. After the first rendevous, I was hooked. Soon, the whole world knew about my love affair, since I flaunted it openly - and practically daily.

I'm speaking, of course, of the Fuji Apple Chicken Salad from Panera.

It was divine, blissful even. For someone who only decided in the past few years to start eating salad, I never thought I would find one I loved quite so much. But crisp field greens, crunchy pecans, tangy gorganzola cheese, tender chicken, and candy-like dried apple slices combined for the most heavenly salad this world has ever seen.

And then, as quickly as our affair had begun, it was over. In a cold, calculated move aimed, I'm convinced, directly at me, Panera took the Fuji Apple Chicken Salad off the menu. Sometime last spring, it was just... gone. GONE.

All summer I basically rejected Panera. I had the occassional bowl of soup or panini, but inside I was harboring anger and bitterness. What right did they have to take my love away?!

Recently they added a new salad, the Orchard Harvest salad. At first I rejected Panera's attempt to woo me back with this offering. One day, desperate to feel something - anything - again, I caved. I was presented with a bowl full of lettuce, pecans, gorgonzola cheese... this was looking familiar. Sure, the apple and chicken had been replaced with dried cherries and fresh cut pear, but there was enough similarities to pique my interest.

Orchard Harvest Salad

My relationship with Orchard Harvest wasn't the whirlwind I'd had with Fuji. I think that kind of love happens once in a lifetime - if you're lucky. But Orchard Harvest and I built something, slowly, over time. These past few weeks I've found myself at Panera again and again, always for the salad with a side of Baked Potato soup. Our relationship based on trust and committment. Me & Orchard Harvest - we're good together. And I'm in this for the long haul.

Unless they bring back Fuji later this fall. In which case... sorry Orchard Harvest. But you can't fight your first love.

Jim's Version of Battlestar Galactica

I took a break from watching the Twilight trailer last night to watch the new episode of The Office, and I just had to post this, my favorite scene. Maybe one of my new favorite scenes ever. I had to rewatch it a few times because the first time I was laughing so hard I couldn't hear half the jokes. Oh Office, I'm so glad you're back!

Tina Fey is the Awesome.

No matter on what side of the political aisle you fall, I think we can all agree that Tina Fey's impersonation of Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is brilliant. I have watched this video a half dozen times and I still crack up every time she says the line, "Bono the King of Ireland." So, for some laughs on your Friday afternoon, I present the cold open from last week's Saturday Night Live:

This One Got a Snort Laugh

Oh my darling Toothpaste for Dinner, how you make me laugh.

PS. That is straight up what I would order at Wendys.

needtobreathe

On Saturday night I went to my second concert in four days. Which now brings the number of concerts I've been to this year to... about three (not including GMA Music Week and MIR shows). The moral of this story is, for all you musicians out there, if you see me at your concert it means I am a REALLY big fan!

Needtobreathe from left: Joe, Bear, Bo, & Seth

In a nutshell, I am a really big fan of the band needtobreathe. I was first introduced to them through their second CD, The Heat, which came out last summer, but I'm always a little slow to the game, so I got my hands on it early this year. I don't think I have taken that cd out of my car's cd player since then. If I am going to take Ben's car to work, I bring the cd with me. I already wrote on this blog back in March how I just fell head over heels for their sound and even now I'm not sick of it yet. Even though they play "Washed by the Water" about once every hour on all the Christian radio stations. Don't care, still love it!

So the show was at Exit/In here in Nashville. This means that now after seven years of living in this city I can finally say I've seen a show in one of its most well-known venues. The openers were a guy named Matthew Mayfield (he was okay, sounded like Jon Foreman's solo stuff except with ten years of smoking under his belt) and local boy and fellow Belmont grad Andy Davis (fun bouncy-piano catchy songs, good stuff). It was a late show, so it was already 11 pm by the time needtobreathe came on. But it was worth the wait! They had lots of energy and good... searching for the right word here... sync... as a band. Everyone was together, they did some little interludes of just jamming happily away. The front man and the lead guitarist are brothers (Bear and Bo, loves it), and I always think it is interesting to see and hear siblings play music together. It's like there is a little something extra between them that just makes it click. Plus I think it makes for really interesting harmonizing between the voices since they usually have such similar (to use a dorky music word) timbre. And, let's be honest, they were easy on the eyes, too. My girlfriends from work were particularly taken with younger brother Bo and his hip shaking.

Also apparently big fans of the band? The two (three until the bouncer removed one of them) drunkest girls I've ever seen, a few rows of crowd in front of us. Now I haven't had much life experience being around really drunk people, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say they were about as far gone as you can be without actually passing out on the floor. It was simultaneously awkward, annoying, and also amusing. And they weren't just there by coincidence - they knew every word to all the songs and the names of the guys in the band. Which they enthusiastically hollered throughout the show, bookended by the classic drunk girl exclamation "woooo!" As in, "Woooooooooo! BO!!!! We love you!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Beers and fists held high (when they weren't falling all over each other and dancing around erratically), they seemed to be having a good time, I guess. All this had me wondering, do they not know that the guys are Christians? I mean, they were playing a song called "Yahweh" in a bar, for crying out loud. It was just a little... incongruous. If the band felt it was awkward they didn't let on, but it was kind of distracting for the rest of us.

Also distracting was the amazon couple that decided to stand right in front of me. She was easily over 6 foot, as was he. And while I totally appreciate wanting to be closer to the front... dude, you guys had half a foot on the rest of us! We couldn't seeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (End of rant.)

They ended the show with their big single "Washed by the Water." It was very cool - they climbed up into the balcony of the venue with just their acoustic guitars and no mics or amps and everyone was very quiet and they played from there, standing on chairs so everyone could see them.


It was a great show and I hope I can see them again soon. Wooooooooo!

Emmy Fashion Rundown

Alright, boys and girls, let's rock and roll. After the Oscars and Emmys I like to go over all the fashions that caught my eye - for better or for worse on the red carpet. And while the actual Emmys last night were a total snoozefest, there were some interesting looks on which I will report. So away we go!

First stop, Kate Walsh.

She didn't make my "no" list for looking bad... in fact, I think generally she looks good. But everything together - the heavy fussy dress, the dark sleek hairdo, the sharp makeup - is just coming off a little costumey and also a little serious. Like she's going to a fancy benefit for a solemn occassion. Maybe if there had been more dark dresses or "evening" looks it wouldn't have stood out, but amongst the happy colors and bright sunshine, it seemed a little off.


Next up, Olivia Wilde from one of my favorite shows, House.

Last year Jennifer Morrison, the other young pretty one from House, was my top pick from the Emmy red carpet, and it looks like she passed the glamour baton to Olivia this season. I am coveting this dress and those lovely unique cap sleeves. Her make up and hair are so soft and really compliment her whole look. She looks classy but still young and I just love it.

Our favorite funny lady looking foxy... Tina Fey!

Her wins and acceptance speeches were a highlight for the evening, and I was happy she got to do it all while looking great! The color is subdued but the purple was a nice change from her typical black, and I like that she had a dress that was sexy but still seemed like her. Kudos, Tina!

I love you, Jenna Fischer, but...

...but I do not love this look. Let's start with the bad and we'll wind back about to the good. Something is just not quite right about the cut here... maybe it is the natural waist? Jenna is obviously a skinny-minny but the way the dress is hitting her isn't as flattering as it could be. I can't figure out what is contributing to the boxy effect - the folds in the fabric? The placement of the colors and the center detail? I just think I'd be feeling completely differently if it was an empire waist, or even a dropped waist. Hmm... anyway, the good news is the colors are really beautiful and almost mermaid-like on her and it is hard to see in this picture but she has on a really awesome gold cuff that I like.

Mariska Hargitay shows us how to do yellow.

Bam! She looks AMAZING. One of my favorites from the night. It's no secret that I'm a sucker for yellow, so I might be biased. But it is the absolute right shade and looks fierce with her skin and her hair and her purple nails. And maybe most importantly, the style is so age appropriate and sophisticated. You'll see later (coughTeriHatchercough) a less-successful yellow dress, so just remember why Mariska's works - the shade, the cut, her styling. A+.

Heidi Klum, outfit #1 of 800 for the evening... Heidi's hosting skills left a bit to be desired, so let's just cut to the fashion, eh?

Her red-carpet look was something only Heidi could pull off, and she looked great, of course. But for once, let's focus on Heidi from the neck up, shall we? Her make up looks great and I'm especially liking her hair. What really caught my eye - and how could they not - are those INCREDIBLE earrings. It makes me want to march right to the mall, into Claire's, and demand to have my right ear pierced. Just the one that closed up, the left one is fine. I don't understand how they aren't so heavy as to pull her ears off her head, but I don't even care. I WANT.

Okay, and now Cynthia Nixon will demonstrate an important word in fashion fitting, and that is... HOIST. As in, "Alright Cynthia, now I'm about to pin this in place before we sew it, so just go ahead and HOIST those girls up there so we get them in the right place. Perfect." Apparently Cynthia's tailor didn't remember that step and thus we have a loooooooong way to go from Cynthia's chin til we get to the Calvin Klein dress, which is actually quite pretty. I even think the color is a cool choice for her skin tone, but man I just want to get her a good bustier already.

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss also looked great in, what else, Narciso Rodriguez:

Not much to say here - she looks great, the color is nice, fits her like a glove. I'm not wild about the little peek-a-boo tummy but, you go girl. However, aside from the color, this is kind of the same dress she keeps wearing, over and over again. And while I understand that when you find something that works for you its easy to go back there (like me and chicken fingers), I'm getting a little bored. As in, "oh I wonder what Renee Zelweger will wear to the Oscars oh what a strapless Carolina Herrera dress zzzzzzzzzzzzz" bored.

Moving on to Ugly Betty's obviously so-NOT-ugly America Ferrera:

America is lovely and as I've said before I think it is great that she is marginally more normal sized than other of television's leading ladies. Having said that, something about this look is just a little weird to me. It's kinda fussy... so much dress, but then the length is weird. And then there is a lot of hair, a lot of makeup, a lot of necklace, even a fancy lookin' shoe. Each piece, I like. All together, it's a whole lot of... lot. But I still think she's great!

Mary Louise Parker will be forever a favorite of mine for her role in Fried Green Tomatoes. And now she is on Weeds, which is a show I have never seen.

But surely she could've done better than what looks like a prom dress any high school girl could pick off the rack from Macy's. Yeah, I said it. I think it is the jeweled straps that are ruining it for me. On the plus side, I really like the color of her lipstick!

Brooke Shields was there presumably to promote her show, Sex & the City Lite aka Lipstick Jungle.

I actually really like this dress and it isn't just because I like pink. Brooke is 43 and she looks ah-maz-ing. I think she was wise to leave her hair down so as not to be too shoulder-riffic. I love the style of the dress and how it is sophisticated enough to still look mature. Also it is pink.

Teri Hatcher also wore a yellow dress.

And yet, I do not think it works as well as Mariska's, and the main reason is the style. Like Brooke, Teri is also 43. I just think the style of the dress is too youthful. Teri looks pretty - her hair is soft and natural which works well for her. She is looking toned and tan. The dress itself is very pretty and the color is a nice bold happy one. But the strapless frilly frock is just more along the lines of something for the thirty-and-under set.

Like Evangeline Lilly could totally be rocking that yellow dress. But her choice was more a study in how to wear a lovely neutral shade:

This isn't the best dress I've ever seen in my life - it's a little brocade-y for my tastes - but she looks perfect and somehow keeps this dress looking young and sexy but tasteful. The lack of jewelry and the hair and makeup are a win-win-win. I think her coloring is a good example of why brunettes sometimes have an easier time wearing colors in the creamy/beige/champagne category.

Well, that wraps it up for my thoughts. Who were your best dressed and in-need-of-assistance looks for this year? Who just can't wait for all our favorite shows to start again? Like The Office, this Thursday, hip hip hooray!