Lower Still

We had a really spectacular sermon at church last Sunday. Ray preached on how Christmas is about the humility of God; how low he came to make himself like us, to be among us, to save us. And yet being born to young Mary in the dusty dark of a Bethlehem barn was just the beginning of Christ's humility. He would come lower still. As low as you've ever been, Christ went lower in order in love you into the arms of God. Ray read the lyrics of a song by the band My Epic. They moved me so much, I just had to share them here.

***

"Lower Still"

Look, he's covered in dirt
the blood of his mother has mixed with the Earth
and she's just a child who's throbbing in pain
from the terror of birth by the light of a cave

Now they've laid that small baby
where creatures come eat
like a meal for the swine, who have no clue that he
is still holding together the world that they see
they don't know just how low he has to go
Lower still

Look now he's kneeling, he's washin' their feet
though they're all filthy fishermen, traitors, and theives
now he's pouring his heart out and they're fallin' asleep
but he has to go lower still

there is greater love to show
hands to the plow
further down now
blood must flow

all these steps are personal
all his shame is ransom
oh do you see, do you see just how low, he has come
do you see it now?
no one takes from him
what he freely gives away

beat in his face
tear the skin off his back
Lower still, lower still
strip off his clothes
make him crawl through the streets
Lower still, lower still
hang him like meat
on a criminal's tree
Lower still, lower still
bury his corpse in the Earth
like a seed, like a seed, like a seed
Lower still, lower still

Lower still, lower still...

The Earth explodes
she cannot hold him!
And all therein is placed beneath Him
and death itself no longer reigns
it cannot keep the ones he gave himself to save
and as the universe shatters the darkness disolves
he alone will be honored
we will bathe in his splendor
as all heads bow lower still
all heads bow lower still

Six Months!

Oh, my Sweet Baby James! Has it really been half a year with you? You have filled up our hearts and our lives with so much! You've been a busy little boy lately. Let's take a look back at your fun-filled sixth month of life.

You met your Great-Grandpa Hal and wore matching overalls.

You met Great-Grandma Anita and had lots of fun playing on the table!

Perhaps our biggest achievement of the month - you learned to sleep unswaddled!

You can now get up on your hands and knees and rock back and forth, and you can also get on your hands and your feet. It's so cute!

You've started eating food! So far you've had peaches, pears, bananas, sweet potatoes, carrots, and most recently, mangoes.

You rode in first class on an airplane. Here you are reading the pretentious first class magazine.

You're so strong and determined. You like to play and rough-house and run around in your walker. You have the dearest crinkle-nosed smile and the most serious, studious frown. Your ears are ticklish. Your hair is growing in pale blonde. You love to go and explore and move. You have made our family so happy. Daddy and I love you so much and look forward to every coming day with you.

Love,

Momma

Cradle Hymn

I was reading to Hudson from his "Lullaby Baby" book and couldn't get through this one without getting all choked up. I just want to pray the last stanza for him every day!

Hush, my dear, lie still and slumber,

Holy angels guard thy bed.

Heavenly blessings without number,

Gently falling on thy head.

How much better thou'rt attended,

Than the Son of God could be,

When from heaven He descended,

And became a child like thee.

Soft and easy is they cradle,

Coarse and hard thy Savior lay,

When His birthplace was a stable,

And His softest bed was hay.

May'st thou learn to know and fear Him,

Love and serve Him all thy days;

Then to dwell forever near Him,

Tell His love and sing His praise.

WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS!!!!

Man, it has been a beautiful October to be a St. Louis Cardinals' fan! It has been the most amazing ride, and if you haven't been following the story, here it is in a nutshell: every time we weren't supposed to win, we did. One game after the other, one series at a time, we just kept right on beating teams that were supposed to be beating us.

Then there was Game 6 of the World Series, two nights ago, which was THE most exciting baseball game I have ever seen - maybe the most exciting sporting event I've ever seen, period. And finally, last night, a Game 7 winner-takes-all showdown in St. Louis. Before the game, all the sportscasters picked the Rangers to win.

But it was the boys in red who were celebrating mid-field in the end, with Cardinal Nation roaring its ecstatic approval from the stands, the streets, and from our little couch here in Nashville.

And the unlikely hero of the Cardinals post-season was David Freese, who just so happened to be my high school classmate. It was so exciting to see him have such a huge part in the team victory and be handed the World Series MVP trophy at the end. I'm pretty sure he just became St. Louis's most eligible bachelor.

Such a wonderful few weeks following the sport I love the most. Thank you, Cardinals, for playing every game like it was your last, until you were standing alone on top of the world.

Five Months!

Hello my Sweet Baby James!

I can hardly believe it, but you are FIVE months old! Wow! Here are five things that describe you right now:

1. ACTIVE - You like to go, go, go! We try to get out a lot because you get bored just hanging around the house for too long. Your favorite activity is to wheel around the kitchen in your walker. When we first put you in it, you would sort of just hop/lunge to push yourself forward, but now you put one little foot right in front of the other. It is so cute and it really keeps you busy! You also just love to be outside and thankfully we have had lots of beautiful fall weather to enjoy. I'm kind of dreading the cold dreary winter that I know is around the corner... we are going to have to find new ways to fight the cabin fever!

2. AWARE - You notice everything around you, and you want to touch/chew/reach for/grab whatever you see. I love to watch you watch your world! You see and reach for specific items that you want. Practically, this is great - you can now totally get your own pacifier back in your mouth whenever you want! If I'm holding you or nursing you, you like to look up and smile at me. And you love to look at me and Daddy and then reach your little hands out and touch our face. You are not exactly gentle about it, hence we have lots of little scratch marks, but it is so cute we can look past the nails.

3. AWAKE - Sleeping... yeah, you're not so great at sleeping. You mostly take short naps, and you still wake up every three hours all night long. This is exhausting, I won't deny, but we'll get there. I'm not in a rush to rock your boat with any severe sleep training, because you're just doing so great with all other areas of development and temperament. So right now we are just working on you going to sleep without having to be held or rocked. You're getting pretty good at it; we just lay you down and then lay next to you and most times you will eventually go quietly to sleep. The next thing we want to work on is weaning you from your swaddle, but one thing at a time!

4. AMIABLE - This is just a fancy word for friendly and good-natured, but I wanted to stick with my 'A' theme. It's funny, but ever since I wrote that blog about you not being a happy boy, you have set out to prove me wrong! Sure, I wouldn't call you particularly flexible or easy-going, and believe me, you can still cry (and now scream) when things aren't going your way. But overall, we have so many smiles and laughs to fill our day! I love your laugh so much; you sound like you swallowed a squeaky toy. Unless you are overly tired or upset, you don't mind when strangers hold you. You enjoy playing with other people - we've even left you in the church nursery two times!

5. ADORABLE - This is somewhat subjective, I realize, but c'mon. You know you're pretty stinkin' cute. Everyone - and I mean everyone - who meets you always comments on your bright blue eyes. Those big peepers plus your sweet rosy cheeks are a lethal combination! We are obsessed with taking your picture, and you already seem to be a pro at posing for the camera. Here are a few of my favorite shots from your fifth month of life:

You & Daddy after our trip to the pumpkin patch

At the Battle of Franklin Civil War Reenactment

You & Me at the Immanuel Church picnic

Dressed in your game day gear to cheer on the Cardinals in the World Series

I love you so much, my sweet little Huddy! God has blessed us richly by adding you to our family.

Love,

Momma

Holding Huddy

If you haven't picked up on it from my previous posts, Hudson is high-maintenance. He has like zero self-soothing skills, and so going to sleep is difficult for him. He has to be tightly swaddled and then he usually has to be held until he falls asleep before we put him down. Sometimes you have to sway or rock him and pat his little bottom. And of course, he needs his white noise.

Sometimes this is annoying. I find myself clock-watching, wondering how many minutes more I'll have to hold him before he'll be sound enough asleep to move to his swing. I think about how much easier it would be if I could just pop him in his crib when he started getting sleepy and then go about my business while he drifted off to sleep on his own. My arm gets sweaty from his hot little head and my back gets sore from leaning over him.

But then I am looking down at his sweet little face, and feeling how much he needs me, how he calms and rests in my arms, and how is it possible it is that he's already so long that his feet are falling off my lap?

Soon he won't need me to rock him to sleep. And I'm going to blink and it will be his first day of kindergarten. And then I'll blink again and he'll be graduating high school. Blink. His wedding day. Blink. I'm a grandmother. Blink. I'm an old lady at the end of my life, and I'm willing to bet I won't be thinking, "I wish I'd held my baby less."

We do want Hudson to have good sleeping habits. And in the next few months we'll be working on helping him learn those things, gently and lovingly.

But for now, I just want to cherish holding Huddy.

4 Months Old!

Sweet Baby James,

Hello my little love! You are napping right now, and while I should probably be taking advantage of that and sleeping myself, I just decided to write you a little note.

Here you are getting your bath in the kitchen sink. Look how big you are! You just love having your bath, although you do NOT like the water to get in your face. You sputter and make a big show of being very put out if that happens.

I feel like you have changed so much in the past couple weeks. You've definitely grown - at the doctor yesterday you were 25 inches long and weighed 14 pounds, 5 ounces. Just another pound and you'll have doubled your birth weight. You always want to sit up or stand, and you love jumping! We got out your bouncing gym thing and your walker - that's right, a walker. You like to push yourself around the kitchen in it, but you don't have any control over your direction, so you just go from one end to the other, then we turn you around and off you go again. When we were in St. Louis last week, we got out the highchair that I used to sit in as a little girl, and we padded you in with pillows and towels. You really enjoyed sitting there and banging your toys on the tray!

Everyone always comments on your big bright blue eyes. You use them to look around and notice everything! You follow Scruffy as he walks across the room, and you notice all the activity around you. It is so fun to watch you interact with your little world.

Daddy and I love you so much, Huddy, and everyone who meets you thinks you are pretty great too. We can't imagine our lives without your sweet toothless grin and your rosy kissable cheeks and your feisty, go-go-go personality. We're so thankful to God for giving us you.

Love Always,

Momma

Emmy Fashion!

Hey there fashionistas! Well, I didn't get to watch all of the Emmys this year because I had to go to bed at 9pm. Because my kid gets up at 5am. And our TiVo is no more so I couldn't even record it and watch it later. And we only get the basic channels so I didn't get to see any of the red carpet coverage. But this post is a tradition, dang it, and so thanks to the internet, I can see pictures of all the celebrities I missed, copy those pictures here, and make comments about them. Read on!

(PS. These are in no particular order, except for the annoyingly weird order in which Blogger uploads photos.)

Sofia Vergara. I often think she looks tacky or overdone, so I liked this dress, even though it isn't exactly reinventing the wheel. I don't know if it looked this way on TV, but in the pictures it is a nice pinky-red, which was at least a little derivation from the many other red gowns on the carpet. Such as...

Nina Dobrev. Got to admit, she looks fierce. That word is probably played out by now, but it still works here. The shape of the top is a little funny, and she probably couldn't breathe or move, but it was worth it for this head-turning look.

So one of the parts of the telecast I did get to see was one of the best moments of the night, when all the comedy actress nominees had a mini-pageant as their names were announced. Melissa McCarthy won, and it was totally sweet and awesome. But before that, I was like, "Woah Martha Plimpton looks ah-MAY-zing!" It was probably hard to make it in Hollywood with a name like Martha Plimpton, and kudos to her for not changing it to, say, "Megan St. Plum" or something like that. This dress is so beautiful and one of the few from the night that I would dream of wearing.

Maria Bello's hair looks TERRIBLE but I really love this dress. It seems very chic and California-breezy. I feel like she could use a bangle or a cuff or something. And a shampoo. And a blowout.

Ugggghhhh fine. That sums up how I feel both about Lea Michele and her dress.

Kristen Wiig, like Maria Bello, appears to have forgotten to wash up and run a comb through her hair. Still, I like her dress too. She favors these super-deep v-neck gowns, but she can get away with it because she's more, err, petite in the bust. I like the details of the ombre and I think with a smooth low ponytail it would've been a nice overall look.

In all the pictures I found, Katie Holmes does not look as cute as I thought she did when I saw her on television. The dress appeared chic and minimal, her hair was fun and flirty, her makeup looked great, and she didn't have creepy Tom Cruise attached to her hip. The pictures make the dress look more frumpy and shapeless and weird. So, who knows. I liked it.

Kate Winslet, you're a good looking lady and this is a sexy dress. But you are not Nina Dobrev and you are not 22 and that dress is waaaaay too tight. Just... don't you like breathing? And also sometimes I miss your red hair.

Jurnee Smollett, I am sorry your parents couldn't spell "Journey" correctly, and that they thought Journey/Jurnee was an appropriate name for a baby at all. I know you are on a new show now, but you will always be Jess Merriweather from Dillon, Texas to me. I think you look very pretty in this simple but elegant dress in a really splendid color. My only qualm is that... well you know, lift and separate? I feel like you're really... separated. It's something that I think happens a lot in deep v-neck gowns - not separated enough and the girls are hanging out there for all to see, too separated and it seems like you have a sternum-filled chasm between one and the other.

I feel like Julie Bowen here is suffering the same fate. It doesn't look it so much in this photo, but on TV I felt like her chest looked super weird. Other than that, I think this dress is good for her. Not my particular style, but it is certainly different from the standard red-carpet fare. It's kind of a sassy cousin to Maria Bello's up there, with the metallic detailing. I don't love the blunt-ended ponytail but it works with this I suppose.

When I saw Julianna Margulies appear on my TV I recoiled. This dress is super weird and borderline ugly. The severely sculpted bodice with the wack-a-doo giant glass slug beads on it? I don't even know. It was an eyesore. She looks pretty from the neck up.
I think Julia Stiles looks gorgeous! The bottom where all the lace is bunched up looks a little old-lady-curtain-esque, but I love the bodice, the detailing, and her pretty hair and makeup. Best she's looked in a while.

Has Jane Krakowski always looked this broad-shouldered? I don't think this is her silhouette. Also, she looks very tan in this photo but she looked downright Oompa-Loompa on my television.

Okay, here's the thing about this. I'm pretty sure one of my Barbies had this exact outfit. And Gwyneth looks quite Barbie-esque in it. And I don't really have a problem with that. But the weird unfinished tulle hems at her waist are casting a shadow that makes it look like a little muffin top. And I am 100% certain that Gwyneth Paltrow does NOT have a muffin top. But even someone with her abs probably wants to steer clear of the illusion of a muffin top, right?

I don't think I can ever look at Evan Rachel Wood and NOT see her as Marilyn Manson's former whatever. Shudder. However, being as objective as I possibly can, I will say this is a really well-put-together, classy look. We all know I love the sparkles. But I also think this is an elegant shape that manages to be both retro and modern.

Elisabeth Moss, I don't know WHAT is going on with your hair, but I think you look very pretty in this dress, even if it is the same color as your skin. The delicate illusion of the leaves falling from the straps is lovely. But the hair. The HAIR.
I think the only thing working for Diana Agron here is the color. The hair is stiff and aging, the dress is unflattering and wrinkled. She's 25, and this makes her look at least 10 years older than that.

T-TAMI! I love you so, so much. You acted the snot out of one of my favorite TV characters EVER and I'm sad for you that you didn't get an Emmy last night. But you look lovely in red. This is a great dress on you. I think the big hair plus the big skirt is a bit much, and I would've gone with a pulled back do, but other than that, yay!

Christine Baranski is working this look, y'all. It's like a really fancy button down shirt, and that is super fun. I think it's navy, too, which just makes it a little more punchy than it would be in standard black.

Why can't someone help Christina Hendricks find a flattering red carpet gown? WHY?! It is seriously insane that someone so beautiful can't get a gown that works on her. This isn't the worst she's done, but it's not what it could be. The high front slit is not doing her any favors. The bustline is better than usual, but the other details aren't working. Boo.

Minka Kelly (on the left) is frequently found on assorted "Most Beautiful" and "Sexiest Woman" lists, so I'm not really sure why she borrowed a dress from Meryl Streep. Not that I'm hoping she'll skank it up or anything, but this seems really way too mature and somber for her. I don't know who the middle two girls are, but Purple Dress looks hot and White Dress looks moth-eaten and Drew Barrymore looks insane.

Anna Torv is many things - a great actress on Fringe, a very beautiful woman, an Australian. But she is not, to my knowledge, a flamenco dancer. So I'm not really sure why she is styled as one.

That's all for this year, folks! Thanks for tuning in - feel free to share your best and worst and other thoughts in the comments!

Don't Play That Game

There's a game I've been playing with myself since Hudson was born.

It's called, "Maybe He'll Be Happy When."

First I thought, "Maybe he'll be happy when we finally get the hang of this breastfeeding thing."

Then, "Maybe he'll be happy when we get his reflux under control."

And, "Maybe he'll be happy when he hits 12 weeks."

Or, "Maybe he'll be happy when I get better at figuring out what he wants."

There's always, "Maybe he'll be happy when he gets out of this growth spurt."

Now that most of those milestones have come and gone, I've recently switched to "Maybe he'll be happy when he can move around more independently," or "Maybe he'll be happy when he can start eating solids."

Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe then.

And I try not to think about it, but it crawls in when things are falling apart and I'm holding a sobbing, red-faced, angry-sad baby at 3:37 am...

Maybe... maybe he'll never be happy.

Oh sure, he has happy moments. Happy hours, and sometimes even whole mostly-happy days. If you catch him then, he's got a gummy grin that keeps going and going, creating this little dimple right by his nose. And if you work really hard for it with some tickling and well-placed raspberries on the tummy, he's got a laugh that sounds like a squeaker toy.

But in general, "happy" is not an adjective I'd use to describe my little guy. He is many things, for better and for worse, but right now "happy" is not one of them. And maybe it never will be.

But maybe instead of playing the "maybe" game, I need to stop.

Stop comparing him to other babies.

Stop wishing he would be different.

Stop feeling jealous of friends for whom motherhood appears to be a glowing, glorious, easy experience.

Stop asking God to change Hudson and make him happy.

Instead, I must start asking God to change me. To make me more like Jesus, who loves me just as I am, so I can love Hudson, just as he is.

My baby is just that - a baby. Helpless and weak, despite how big and strong he sometimes seems to me. Dependent on me for everything. Looking to me for love and affection and encouragement and guidance, so he can grow and mature.

I am a woman. Now a mother. I am the one who must change - or rather, be changed. I am the one who can pray for us, for grace and strength in our hour of need. I am the one who must learn to sacrifice so I can serve my son. I am the one who needs to repent and set aside the "maybe" thoughts to which I unfairly hold my boy.

Oh God, that you would come near to us, to me and Huddy. Forgive me for being hard-hearted, and angry, and jealous, and self-pitying, and forgive me on his behalf, since he's too small to understand. Please help me to be more like Jesus. Please help me to love my baby just as he is. Please give me more and more grace, until at last it overflows in love and kindness and patience toward my son. Protect and guard him as he grows. I pray for the day of his salvation, that Hudson would be a man after your own heart. I pray that through our struggles, you would be glorified. I am so thankful and humbled that you have made me a mother. I am so thankful for Hudson. I repent of having an ungrateful heart. I repent of being unloving. I ask for more of you, and less of me.

Ashley in Africa

My little sister has just arrived in South Africa! She will be there for two months working for... you know what, it will be better if she tells you herself. She has a blog that she set up so we can keep up with her while she's gone. Check it out! I'm so proud of her and can't wait to hear more about her adventures. Read her blog HERE.